THURSDAY, JUNE 11

9:00 TLC AMERICAN CHOPPER

The guys are asked to build a bike for Jon & Kate Plus 8—which presumably runs on desperation and sadness.

10:00 MTV 16 AND PREGNANT

A reality show featuring six knocked-up 16-year-olds, which I will not watch because of a lack of vampires.

FRIDAY, JUNE 12

11:30 NBC THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIEN

Don't listen to the haters! Not only is Conan improving with every show, he has one huge advantage: He's not Jay Leno.

SATURDAY, JUNE 13

4:30 SPIKE KILL BILL VOL. 1 & 2—Movie

(2003/4) Quentin Tarantino's awesome double bill, costarring the late, great David Carradine.

8:00 NBC KINGS

This sci-fi-ish series based on King David returns, and I still have no idea what's going on.

SUNDAY, JUNE 14

9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD

Season premiere! A mangled, bloodless body is found at the bar, and... wait. Why is everyone looking at my vampire boyfriend?

10:00 A&E HAMMERTIME

Debut! Jesus Christ, why has it taken MC Hammer so long to get a freaking reality show? Can't touch this!

MONDAY, JUNE 15

10:00 BRAVO KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST

Kathy continues her "Who do I have to blow to get a Grammy?" tour.

10:30 SHO NURSE JACKIE

Hilarity (and malpractice suits) ensue when Jackie switches the Sweet 'n Low with narcotics.

TUESDAY, JUNE 16

9:00 FOX MENTAL

Jack treats a bipolar eight-year-old who plays videogames in his head, and saves his parents a LOT of money!

10:00 FX RESCUE ME

Sheila discovers Tommy has been sleeping with Janet again—but this time only goes half batshit crazy. Improvement!

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 17

8:00 TOON THE OTHERSIDERS

Debut! A new series about teen paranormal investigators (my favorite kind).

10:00 ABC THE UNUSUALS

Series finale! The team gets nude to catch a peeping Tom with a video camera. That's the way to end a series!