THURSDAY, JUNE 11
9:00 TLC AMERICAN CHOPPER
The guys are asked to build a bike for Jon & Kate Plus 8—which presumably runs on desperation and sadness.
10:00 MTV 16 AND PREGNANT
A reality show featuring six knocked-up 16-year-olds, which I will not watch because of a lack of vampires.
FRIDAY, JUNE 12
11:30 NBC THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIEN
Don't listen to the haters! Not only is Conan improving with every show, he has one huge advantage: He's not Jay Leno.
SATURDAY, JUNE 13
4:30 SPIKE KILL BILL VOL. 1 & 2—Movie
(2003/4) Quentin Tarantino's awesome double bill, costarring the late, great David Carradine.
8:00 NBC KINGS
This sci-fi-ish series based on King David returns, and I still have no idea what's going on.
SUNDAY, JUNE 14
9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD
Season premiere! A mangled, bloodless body is found at the bar, and... wait. Why is everyone looking at my vampire boyfriend?
10:00 A&E HAMMERTIME
Debut! Jesus Christ, why has it taken MC Hammer so long to get a freaking reality show? Can't touch this!
MONDAY, JUNE 15
10:00 BRAVO KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST
Kathy continues her "Who do I have to blow to get a Grammy?" tour.
10:30 SHO NURSE JACKIE
Hilarity (and malpractice suits) ensue when Jackie switches the Sweet 'n Low with narcotics.
TUESDAY, JUNE 16
9:00 FOX MENTAL
Jack treats a bipolar eight-year-old who plays videogames in his head, and saves his parents a LOT of money!
10:00 FX RESCUE ME
Sheila discovers Tommy has been sleeping with Janet again—but this time only goes half batshit crazy. Improvement!
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 17
8:00 TOON THE OTHERSIDERS
Debut! A new series about teen paranormal investigators (my favorite kind).
10:00 ABC THE UNUSUALS
Series finale! The team gets nude to catch a peeping Tom with a video camera. That's the way to end a series!