THURSDAY, JULY 9

8:00 CBS BIG BROTHER

Season premiere! TV's dirtbaggiest reality show returns! (Hope someone brought the air freshener this time.)

11:30 CBS LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN

Female nerd alert! Harry Potter's Daniel Radcliffe is the guest. Take yer shirt off, Danny! WOOT!

FRIDAY, JULY 10

8:30 ABC THE GOODE FAMILY

Vegan Gerald is tricked into eating meatless chili—WITH MEAT IN IT! Ack! Patooie!

9:00 SCIFI EUREKA

Season premiere! Sheriff Carter is fired and replaced by a goddamn robot. They're stealing our jobs, I'm tellin' ya!

SATURDAY, JULY 11

9:00 SCIFI SAND SERPENTS—Movie

(2009) American soldiers take on the Taliban AND giant flesh-eating sand worms. Not sure which is worse.

SUNDAY, JULY 12

9:00 NBC METEOR—Mini-Series

(2009) A huge space rock is on a murderous collision course with Earth, and... zzzzzzzzz. Snort!

Huh? Wha? Sorry... dozed off for a minute.

10:30 HBO ENTOURAGE

Season premiere! Oh, no. Poor little pretty boy Vince has to learn how to drive his own car. Boo-hoo-hoo!

MONDAY, JULY 13

10:30 SHO NURSE JACKIE

Jackie's pal needs a big favor. No, not money... assistance with her assisted suicide.

TUESDAY, JULY 14

8:00 FOX MAJOR LEAGUE ALL-STAR GAME

It's also a great place to pick up some illegal steroids, if you're running low.

9:00 VH1 THE STORY OF SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

A documentary celebrating the 10th anniversary of America's favorite cartoon sponge.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 15

10:00 TNT DARK BLUE

Debut! A new series about undercover cops from the always subtle Jerry Bruckheimer. (Sarcasm.)

10:30 COM MICHAEL & MICHAEL HAVE ISSUES

Debut! Michael and Michael compete for the affection of their new high school intern. Umm... ew.