THURSDAY, JULY 9
8:00 CBS BIG BROTHER
Season premiere! TV's dirtbaggiest reality show returns! (Hope someone brought the air freshener this time.)
11:30 CBS LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN
Female nerd alert! Harry Potter's Daniel Radcliffe is the guest. Take yer shirt off, Danny! WOOT!
FRIDAY, JULY 10
8:30 ABC THE GOODE FAMILY
Vegan Gerald is tricked into eating meatless chili—WITH MEAT IN IT! Ack! Patooie!
9:00 SCIFI EUREKA
Season premiere! Sheriff Carter is fired and replaced by a goddamn robot. They're stealing our jobs, I'm tellin' ya!
SATURDAY, JULY 11
9:00 SCIFI SAND SERPENTS—Movie
(2009) American soldiers take on the Taliban AND giant flesh-eating sand worms. Not sure which is worse.
SUNDAY, JULY 12
9:00 NBC METEOR—Mini-Series
(2009) A huge space rock is on a murderous collision course with Earth, and... zzzzzzzzz. Snort!
Huh? Wha? Sorry... dozed off for a minute.
10:30 HBO ENTOURAGE
Season premiere! Oh, no. Poor little pretty boy Vince has to learn how to drive his own car. Boo-hoo-hoo!
MONDAY, JULY 13
10:30 SHO NURSE JACKIE
Jackie's pal needs a big favor. No, not money... assistance with her assisted suicide.
TUESDAY, JULY 14
8:00 FOX MAJOR LEAGUE ALL-STAR GAME
It's also a great place to pick up some illegal steroids, if you're running low.
9:00 VH1 THE STORY OF SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
A documentary celebrating the 10th anniversary of America's favorite cartoon sponge.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 15
10:00 TNT DARK BLUE
Debut! A new series about undercover cops from the always subtle Jerry Bruckheimer. (Sarcasm.)
10:30 COM MICHAEL & MICHAEL HAVE ISSUES
Debut! Michael and Michael compete for the affection of their new high school intern. Umm... ew.