THURSDAY, JULY 16
8:30 TOON STOKED
Debut! Teenagers surfers smoke pot, surf, and smoke pot in this new animated comedy.
9:00 USA BURN NOTICE
Michael is beginning to suspect someone may not like him when he's kidnapped and dumped in the wilderness.
FRIDAY, JULY 17
9:00 FOX MENTAL
Dr. Avidan is on the hunt for his schizophrenic twin sister. (See? Evil twins aren't just in soaps... ummm... not that schizophrenics are evil, mind you, I just meant... damn it! Shut UP, Hump!)
SATURDAY, JULY 18
10:00 ABC DIRTY SEXY MONEY
When the Darlings are away on a trip, dim bulb Clark the chauffeur is left behind to answer reporters' questions.
10:00 TRU MAN VS. CARTOON
A stuntman climbs inside a rusty metal ball and hurls himself down a mountain. (He might want to stop off for a tetanus shot.)
SUNDAY, JULY 19
8:00 FAM LABOR PAINS—Movie
(2009) Lindsay Lohan stars as a woman faking her pregnancy in what I believe is the first "straight-to-Family-Channel-instead-of-DVD" movie!
10:00 FOOD ACE OF CAKES
Season premiere! The gang bakes a cake inspired by the Hubble Space Telescope. Ummm... huh?
MONDAY, JULY 20
2:30 am COM KENNY VS. SPENNY
Set your DVRs for this one! K & S compete to see "Who Can Keep a Dump in Their Pants the Longest?"
10:00 ABC DATING IN THE DARK
Debut! Guys and girls go on dates in a dark room, to make their decisions on personality rather than looks. I dunno... sounds rapey to me.
TUESDAY, JULY 21
8:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
Season premiere! Chef Ramsay returns to call a new batch of inexperienced chefs a bunch of "fucking donkeys."
9:00 BRAVO NYC PREP
Season finale! The preppies ponder their futures: Should they ruin lives with a Ponzi scheme or overdose on coke?
WEDNESDAY, JULY 22
10:00 TLC TODDLERS AND TIARAS
Toddlers are dressed in garish costumes and makeup to compete in the "Li'l Miss Universal Whore Pageant."
10:30 COM MICHAEL & MICHAEL HAVE ISSUES
The Michaels wonder what to get their boss for his birthday, and settle on something idiotic.