This Week on Television 

THURSDAY, JULY 16

8:30 TOON STOKED

Debut! Teenagers surfers smoke pot, surf, and smoke pot in this new animated comedy.

9:00 USA BURN NOTICE

Michael is beginning to suspect someone may not like him when he's kidnapped and dumped in the wilderness.

FRIDAY, JULY 17

9:00 FOX MENTAL

Dr. Avidan is on the hunt for his schizophrenic twin sister. (See? Evil twins aren't just in soaps... ummm... not that schizophrenics are evil, mind you, I just meant... damn it! Shut UP, Hump!)

SATURDAY, JULY 18

10:00 ABC DIRTY SEXY MONEY

When the Darlings are away on a trip, dim bulb Clark the chauffeur is left behind to answer reporters' questions.

10:00 TRU MAN VS. CARTOON

A stuntman climbs inside a rusty metal ball and hurls himself down a mountain. (He might want to stop off for a tetanus shot.)

SUNDAY, JULY 19

8:00 FAM LABOR PAINS—Movie

(2009) Lindsay Lohan stars as a woman faking her pregnancy in what I believe is the first "straight-to-Family-Channel-instead-of-DVD" movie!

10:00 FOOD ACE OF CAKES

Season premiere! The gang bakes a cake inspired by the Hubble Space Telescope. Ummm... huh?

MONDAY, JULY 20

2:30 am COM KENNY VS. SPENNY

Set your DVRs for this one! K & S compete to see "Who Can Keep a Dump in Their Pants the Longest?"

10:00 ABC DATING IN THE DARK

Debut! Guys and girls go on dates in a dark room, to make their decisions on personality rather than looks. I dunno... sounds rapey to me.

TUESDAY, JULY 21

8:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN

Season premiere! Chef Ramsay returns to call a new batch of inexperienced chefs a bunch of "fucking donkeys."

9:00 BRAVO NYC PREP

Season finale! The preppies ponder their futures: Should they ruin lives with a Ponzi scheme or overdose on coke?

WEDNESDAY, JULY 22

10:00 TLC TODDLERS AND TIARAS

Toddlers are dressed in garish costumes and makeup to compete in the "Li'l Miss Universal Whore Pageant."

10:30 COM MICHAEL & MICHAEL HAVE ISSUES

The Michaels wonder what to get their boss for his birthday, and settle on something idiotic.

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