THURSDAY, AUGUST 13
8:00 ANI INTO THE PRIDE
Debut! A "lion whisperer" moves in with a pride of lions, and quickly learns they aren't big fans of "whispering."
9:00 TLC POLICE WOMEN OF BROWARD COUNTY
Policewoman Ana chases down a criminal and... yes, she's wearing a bra! C'mon you guys!!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 14
8:00 CBS NEIL DIAMOND: HOT AUGUST NIGHT
Neil makes Madison Square Garden just a little bit hotter (especially for the grandmas in the crowd).
9:00 VH1 WOODSTOCK: NOW AND THEN
A documentary exploring how amazing it is that this concert ever happened (especially considering the copious amount of pot involved).
SATURDAY, AUGUST 15
9:00 BBCA BEING HUMAN
It's like Three's Company! (Except Jack's a vampire, Janet's a werewolf, and Chrissy's a ghost.)
9:00 SYFY THE TERMINATORS—Movie
(2009) A movie that has nothing to do with James Cameron's Terminator series—other than stealing the entire plot.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 16
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Season premiere! Woo-hoo! Mad Men's back, and obviously gay Sal accompanies Don on a "business trip." Woo-hoo!
10:45 E! REALITY HELL
Debut! A reality show contestant doesn't realize that in reality the reality show is staged with un-real people. Get it?!?
MONDAY, AUGUST 17
8:00 BBCA TOP GEAR
Season premiere! An entertaining show featuring funny Brits who suffer from premature car-gasms.
10:00 A&E HOARDERS
Debut! Yet another A&E "compulsive person" show, this one centered around hoarders, which I am compulsively not going to watch.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 18
9:00 ABC SHAQ VS.
Steroid mutant basketball star Shaq takes on other athletes to see who can be the most steroid-y.
10:00 TLC MASTERS OF RECEPTION
Debut! In this reality show, a catering company deals with a host of batshit crazy parents and brides.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19
9:00 BRAVO TOP CHEF: LAS VEGAS
Season premiere! Seventeen new chefs compete in Sin City to see who can create the most effective colon-blocking buffet.
10:30 COM MICHAEL & MICHAEL HAVE ISSUES
Michael is a guest at Michael's place, which he lovingly(?) refers to as "the shit bag house."