This Week on Television 

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

8:00 CW THE VAMPIRE DIARIES

Debut! Elena's relationship with her new vampire b-friend is put to the test during "that time of the month."

9:00 CW SUPERNATURAL

Season premiere! Sam and Dean's summer vacation is ruined when Lucifer decides to pay a visit.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 11

9:00 USA MONK

Monk gets grilled on the stand by pee-hole lawyer (and very funny guy) Jay Mohr.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 12

8:00 NGC AMERICAN BEAVER

Sorry, porn lovers! This show is about actual beavers.

9:00 BBCA ROBIN HOOD

Season premiere! Robin vows to stick an arrow in the ass of the man who killed Maid Marian.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13

9:00 MTV 2009 MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS

I thought music videos went out with the Victrola. But have fun, grandpa!

9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD

Season finale! You give Sookie one thing to do (get stabbed in a sacrifice ceremony) and she screws it up!

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

8:00 CW ONE TREE HILL

Season premiere! This show needs a vampire.

9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL

Season premiere! This show needs a vampire.

10:00 NBC THE JAY LENO SHOW

Debut! This show needs one less vampire.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

9:00 CW MELROSE PLACE

Lauren discovers a new way to make rent: prostitution! (Did I say "new"? I meant "old.")

9:00 ABC SHAQ VS.

Season finale! Shaq takes on Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps... in bong huffing, I presume?

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

9:00 FOX GLEE

When Will neglects the glee club, the kids hire a hot-poop choreographer to coach them.

9:00 CW THE BEAUTIFUL LIFE

Debut! Mischa Barton (The O.C.) stars in this dishy new soap about models in NYC! All together now: "EAT A SANDWICH!"

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