THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
8:00 ABC FLASHFORWARD
Debut! Everybody on Earth mysteriously blacks out and wakes up with a vision of the future. Same thing happened to me, but I woke up and envisioned "alcoholism."
10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
The gang visits the Grand Canyon, which is stop number one on their "let's ruin the national monuments" tour.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
8:00 FOX BROTHERS
Debut! A new black sitcom that makes Tyler "Madea" Perry's stuff look hilarious. (Which it isn't, BTW.)
9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE
Season premiere! Echo has a sweet assignment: marrying a hot British businessman played by BSG's Jamie Bamber! EEEEEE!!
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Season premiere! Hosted by Megan Fox and U2! (Sit down, Bono! Your ugly face is blocking my view of Megan!)
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
Season premiere! Homer gets a role in a blockbuster movie where he plays a superhero! (Activate suspension of disbelief.)
9:00 SHO DEXTER
Season premiere! Dexter now has a wife and family—which kind of puts a damper on serial killing, doesn't it?
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
8:00 BBCA TOP GEAR
A special "best of" episode featuring the greatest moments from this funny "car porn" show.
9:00 NBC TRAUMA
Debut! A supposedly realistic drama about paramedics. Who knew all paramedics were hot and had a ton of sex?
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
8:00 ANI WEIRD, TRUE & FREAKY
Season premiere! If you enjoy looking at pets and animals with extra appendages and heads—have I got a show for you!
10:00 MTV THE HILLS
Season premiere! Laguna Beach alum Kristin Cavallari slips into Lauren's vacated spot. (Why didn't they give Ellen DeGeneres the job?)
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
9:00 FOX GLEE
Will enlists help from old pal Kristin Chenoweth, but like me, the glee club is kind of freaked out by her.
9:00 TLC KING OF THE CROWN
Debut! An expert coaches gals on how to win beauty pageants, and anus-clenching hilarity ensues!