9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Jim and Pam return from their honeymoon to discover Michael has a new—and decidedly icky—lover.
10:00 MTV ULTIMATE PARKOUR
Debut! Contestants hop around like jumping beans in a competition that was cool... like, what... in 2006?
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23
9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE
A flashback episode explaining how sexy Sierra was introduced to the Dollhouse.
10:00 USA WHITE COLLAR
Debut! A slick con man teams up with a straight-laced FBI agent to bust white-collar criminals and remind you of 1,000 shows you've seen before.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24
8:00 TRAV MOST TERRIFYING PLACES IN
Includes haunted mansions, swamps, and my Uncle Jeff's windowless cargo van.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Betty and the kids take a trip, which means Don gets to bone the schoolmarm.
10:00 ANI WEREWOLVES:
A fake documentary that imagines if werewolves were real (and preferably hot, like they are in Twilight).
MONDAY, OCTOBER 26
9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL
Dan is alarmed (and aroused) by Olivia's on-screen sex scene.
11:30 NBC THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN
Special guest: Captain Chesley Sullenberger. What? Did he save another plane?
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27
8:00 ABC IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE
A series of grisly murders convince the Peanuts gang to leave Linus in the pumpkin patch all night as bait.
10:00 SPIKE 2009 SCREAM AWARDS
Celebrating horror, comics, and sci-fi. With Quentin Tarantino, Tobey Maguire, and other nerds of note.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 28
4:30 FOX WORLD SERIES GAME ONE
For this they pre-empt Glee??
8:00 NBC MONSTERS VS. ALIENS: MUTANT PUMPKINS FROM OUTER
The M vs. A characters return to take on aliens posing as jack-o'-lanterns in order to take over the earth. DICKS!