THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26
9:00 ABC BEYONCÉ: I AM... YOURS
A concert special in which Beyoncé will sing and probably ignore the fact that I do the "Single Ladies" dance better than her.
10:00 ABC PAUL McCARTNEY: GOOD EVENING NEW YORK CITY
A concert special featuring Grandpa Beatle who absolutely cannot beat me in the "Single Ladies" dance.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27
8:00 NIK SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
SpongeBob gets modeling work in a commercial for kitchen sponges. That makes sense.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 28
8:00 HBO THE WRESTLER—Movie
(2008) Mickey Rourke stars as a has-been WWF-style wrestler looking for a second shot at steroid glory!
8:30 NBC THE INCREDIBLES—Movie
(2004) A dysfunctional family of superheroes learns to be heroic again in one of the greatest Pixar features ever!
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 29
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
The Simpsons are captured by hillbillies, and find moonshine and inter-familial copulation to their liking.
8:00 HBO ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME CONCERT
Featuring everyone you'd expect, and nobody you wouldn't. Snore.
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 30
8:00 ABC HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
The classic animated story, updated with Glenn Beck providing the voice of the Grinch. KIDDING. Jesus, you people.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 1
8:00 ABC CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
While Linus recites the Nativity story onstage, Lucy dumps pigs' blood on his head, sending him into a telekinetic fury. KIDDING. Jesus, you people.
10:00 CBS VICTORIA'S SECRET FASHION SHOW
Hot chicks in underpants ruined by music from the Black Eyed Peas.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 2
9:00 FOX GLEE
The glee-tards are banned from the yearbook, sending Rachel into a school-wide power ballad spree.
10:00 A&E STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN
Debut! Seagal captures a carjacker (with a mysteriously disintegrating femur).
