THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31
10:00 ABC DICK CLARK'S PRIMETIME NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE WITH RYAN SEACREST 2010
You know what this show needs? A longer name.
10:00 NBC NBC'S NEW YEAR'S EVE WITH CARSON DALY 2009
See ABC? That's how you do it. Short and concise.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 1
4:30 ABC ROSE BOWL
The Oregon Ducks take on the Ohio State Buckeyes to see who has the most dur-tarded mascot.
11:00 VH1 FRIDAY NIGHT ALRIGHT
Debut! A live concert from Sydney featuring Pink—because this is no longer 2010, it's 2001.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 2
2:00 FOX COTTON BOWL
Yet another excuse for your husband to drink beer and eat Doritos on the couch. (Call me, ladies!)
10:00 BBCA DEMONS
Debut! Yet another vampire series, this one featuring the hunky teenage great-great-grandson of vamp hunter Van Helsing.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 3
10:00 VH1 SECRETS OF ASPEN
Debut! A new "docu-soap" about six single cougars in Aspen who are on the prowl! Rrrrrowrrr!
10:00 FOOD WORST COOKS IN AMERICA
Debut! Twelve of the country's worst "chefs" compete to see who's the least worst? Isn't this Hell's Kitchen?
MONDAY, JANUARY 4
8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR
Season premiere! Yet another slab of meat is thrown to a den of desperate lionesses.
10:00 ABC CONVEYOR BELT OF LOVE
Debut! Women get to choose any man they like off a passing conveyor belt. ATROCITY!!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 5
8:00 NBC THE BIGGEST LOSER
Season premiere! Just because I gained 25 pounds during the holidays doesn't mean I have to audition for this show!
10:00 ANI MANEATERS
Debut! A new series dedicated to animals who are only interested in large chunks of your ass.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6
8:00 CBS I GET THAT A LOT
A hidden camera prank show featuring Paris Hilton, Snoop Dogg, and Rachael Ray (who should borrow a neck if she doesn't want to be recognized).