THURSDAY, MAY 31
8:00 ABC NATIONAL SPELLING BEE
The only time a kid won't get a smack in the mouth for being smarter than me.
8:00 CBS PIRATE MASTER
Premiere! Sixteen contestants compete to see who can be the best pirate. Tonight: the scurvy challenge.
FRIDAY, JUNE 1
8:00 USA PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL—Movie
(2003) More fakey pirates. At least Johnny Depp is in this one, and he's gay.
SATURDAY, JUNE 2
7:00 BBCA HEX
Season premiere! Britain's hottest supernatural teen drama is back casting even sexier hexes!
8:00 ABC MINORITY REPORT—Movie
(2002) Tom Cruise plays a future cop who tries to stop murders before they happen. Plus, he gets his eyeball plucked out!
SUNDAY, JUNE 3
8:00 MTV MTV MOVIE AWARDS
Hosted by the delightfully profane Sarah Silverman.
10:00 HBO ENTOURAGE
Season finale! In order to play Pablo Escobar, Vince must go from hot 'n' dreamy to fat 'n' ugly.
MONDAY, JUNE 4
8:00 CBS CREATURE COMFORTS
Premiere! Claymation animals philosophize about life in this animated series nicked from England.
9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
Season premiere! Chef Ramsay is back, and "you're a lard-ass donkey!"
TUESDAY, JUNE 5
9:00 NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT
Season premiere! Sharon Osbourne joins the Hoff and that British guy to judge America's most bizarre acts.
10:00 FX THE SHIELD
Season finale! Vic goes before the review board to somehow convince them he's not a lying, scheming snake.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 6
9:00 ABC AMERICAN INVENTOR
Season premiere! Or as I like to call it, Aren't These the Guys I Beat Up in High School?
10:00 BRAVO TOP CHEF ALL-STARS
Former Top Chef contestants compete for charity. Please bring in Chef Ramsay to scream at them!