THURSDAY, MAY 31

8:00 ABC NATIONAL SPELLING BEE

The only time a kid won't get a smack in the mouth for being smarter than me.

8:00 CBS PIRATE MASTER

Premiere! Sixteen contestants compete to see who can be the best pirate. Tonight: the scurvy challenge.

FRIDAY, JUNE 1

8:00 USA PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL—Movie

(2003) More fakey pirates. At least Johnny Depp is in this one, and he's gay.

SATURDAY, JUNE 2

7:00 BBCA HEX

Season premiere! Britain's hottest supernatural teen drama is back casting even sexier hexes!

8:00 ABC MINORITY REPORT—Movie

(2002) Tom Cruise plays a future cop who tries to stop murders before they happen. Plus, he gets his eyeball plucked out!

SUNDAY, JUNE 3

8:00 MTV MTV MOVIE AWARDS

Hosted by the delightfully profane Sarah Silverman.

10:00 HBO ENTOURAGE

Season finale! In order to play Pablo Escobar, Vince must go from hot 'n' dreamy to fat 'n' ugly.

MONDAY, JUNE 4

8:00 CBS CREATURE COMFORTS

Premiere! Claymation animals philosophize about life in this animated series nicked from England.

9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN

Season premiere! Chef Ramsay is back, and "you're a lard-ass donkey!"

TUESDAY, JUNE 5

9:00 NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

Season premiere! Sharon Osbourne joins the Hoff and that British guy to judge America's most bizarre acts.

10:00 FX THE SHIELD

Season finale! Vic goes before the review board to somehow convince them he's not a lying, scheming snake.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 6

9:00 ABC AMERICAN INVENTOR

Season premiere! Or as I like to call it, Aren't These the Guys I Beat Up in High School?

10:00 BRAVO TOP CHEF ALL-STARS

Former Top Chef contestants compete for charity. Please bring in Chef Ramsay to scream at them!