8:00 UPN EVERYONE HATES CHRIS
Raymond feels the need to step in when Chris crosses paths with a bully (not me this time).
9:30 VH1 BREAKING BONADUCE
Danny goes berserk at Gretchen's party in the most raw celebrity reality show ever!
8:30 MTV ASHLEE SIMPSON BIRTHDAY SPECIAL
Ashlee turns 21 in Las Vegas—and you'd think she'd be old enough to learn how to put on mascara.
9:00 CBS THRESHOLD
A DJ is infected by the alien virus, and spreads it via his music. (Going to the club? Don't forget your anti-bacterial wipes!)
9:00 SCI-FI RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD: RAVE TO THE GRAVE—Movie
(2005) College kids get hooked on a new party drug—that causes them to eat human brains!
9:00 ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Gabrielle causes a prison riot when she visits Carlos—but only because hungry cons mistake her for a piece of beef jerky.
10:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
In 30 minutes, Larry somehow manages to offend every race, religion, and sexual orientation (and a couple cripples).
10:30 MTV MISS SEVENTEEN
Debut! 17 teens compete to get an internship at Seventeen magazine. Perfect for the pedophile in your family!
11:30 COM THE COLBERT REPORT
Debut! The Daily Show's hee-larious Stephen Colbert gets his own nightly parody of Fox News pundit shows!
9:00 NBC MY NAME IS EARL
Whimsy ensues when Earl's old prison buddy escapes and kidnaps Randy.
9:30 NBC THE OFFICE
Michael is forced to fire an employee—which puts a damper on his annual Halloween party.
9:00 ABC LOST
While searching for his missing son Walt, Michael discovers he's not alone... Bwwaahh-Ha-Haaaaa!
10:00 COM SOUTH PARK
Season Premiere! It's a brand-new season—and the kids are working harder than ever to offend you.