This Week on Television 

THURSDAY, JUNE 29

9:30 NBC THE OFFICE

Michael burns his foot on his George Foreman Grill in what is perhaps the funniest half hour of TV this year!

10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

Season Premiere! It's the two-hour return of this very funny comedy about four amoral pals in Philly.

FRIDAY, JUNE 30

8:00 FOX 24

After Jack brutally tortures his girlfriend's ex-husband, he finds his relationship with her is strained. Weird.

SATURDAY, JULY 1

8:00 WB DIRTY DANCING—Movie

(1987) Hunky Patrick Swayze teaches hot moves to underage Jennifer Grey! Never has statutory rape been so sexy.

9:00 SPIKE ULTIMATE FIGHT NIGHT

It's the ultimate fighting championships—an event which demonstrates Darwinism at its most satisfying.

SUNDAY, JULY 2

8:00 FX STARSKY & HUTCH—Movie

(2004) Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson re-create TV's most homoerotic cop duo!

9:00 PBS GREAT PERFORMANCES

Garrison Keillor hosts the July 4 installment of A Prairie Home Companion—and if that sentence doesn't make you want to blow your brains out, you might enjoy it.

MONDAY, JULY 3

10:00 ESPN2 US COMPETITIVE EATING CHAMPIONSHIP

It's an all-out pig-out when the country's hungriest compete for gastronomical greatness.

TUESDAY, JULY 4

9:00 NBC MACY'S FIREWORK SPECTACULAR

For all those who aren't being harassed by your drunken neighbor's fireworks display.

10:00 ABC AN AMERICAN CELEBRATION AT FORD'S THEATER

Stars are asked to entertain the president and first lady—which means, "dumb it down." Waaaay down.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 5

8:00 CBS ROCK STAR

Season Premiere! Another "lucky" nobody is chosen to be the lead singer of a washed-up band of "superstars."

9:00 PBS AMERICAN MASTERS

Director Marty Scorsese documents the life of mumbling rock icon Bob Dylan. Hey, Marty! Subtitles might be nice.

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