9:30 NBC THE OFFICE
Michael burns his foot on his George Foreman Grill in what is perhaps the funniest half hour of TV this year!
10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Season Premiere! It's the two-hour return of this very funny comedy about four amoral pals in Philly.
8:00 FOX 24
After Jack brutally tortures his girlfriend's ex-husband, he finds his relationship with her is strained. Weird.
8:00 WB DIRTY DANCING—Movie
(1987) Hunky Patrick Swayze teaches hot moves to underage Jennifer Grey! Never has statutory rape been so sexy.
9:00 SPIKE ULTIMATE FIGHT NIGHT
It's the ultimate fighting championships—an event which demonstrates Darwinism at its most satisfying.
8:00 FX STARSKY & HUTCH—Movie
(2004) Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson re-create TV's most homoerotic cop duo!
9:00 PBS GREAT PERFORMANCES
Garrison Keillor hosts the July 4 installment of A Prairie Home Companion—and if that sentence doesn't make you want to blow your brains out, you might enjoy it.
10:00 ESPN2 US COMPETITIVE EATING CHAMPIONSHIP
It's an all-out pig-out when the country's hungriest compete for gastronomical greatness.
9:00 NBC MACY'S FIREWORK SPECTACULAR
For all those who aren't being harassed by your drunken neighbor's fireworks display.
10:00 ABC AN AMERICAN CELEBRATION AT FORD'S THEATER
Stars are asked to entertain the president and first lady—which means, "dumb it down." Waaaay down.
8:00 CBS ROCK STAR
Season Premiere! Another "lucky" nobody is chosen to be the lead singer of a washed-up band of "superstars."
9:00 PBS AMERICAN MASTERS
Director Marty Scorsese documents the life of mumbling rock icon Bob Dylan. Hey, Marty! Subtitles might be nice.