THURSDAY, JULY 6
9:00 CBS BIG BROTHER: ALL-STARS
Season Premiere! Twenty former wash-ups return to compete—which is like a dog returning to lap up its own vomit.
10:00 SPIKE THE DUDESONS
Debut! This Finnish Jackass features a gang of guys kicking each other in the fjords.
FRIDAY, JULY 7
9:00 CBS THE UNIT
New day and time! If you like "macho-cheese," check out this unintentionally hilarious military drama!
10:00 USA PSYCH
Debut! A young smart-ass with sharp deductive abilities fools the cops into thinking he's psychic. Stupid cops.
SATURDAY, JULY 8
9:00 SCI-FI SLAYER—Movie
(2006) It's Casper (Van Dien) the Vampire Slayer to the rescue when undead bloodsuckers bite his pal.
SUNDAY, JULY 9
9:00 COM CHAPPELLE'S SHOW
Season Premiere! Here are the so-called "lost" episodes that Chappelle himself thought were too crappy for broadcast. Thanks, Comedy Central!
10:30 COM RENO 911!
Season Premiere! The return of one of the funniest improv comedies on television. Thanks, Comedy Central! (I'm not being sarcastic this time.)
MONDAY, JULY 10
9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
Chef Ramsay begs, BEGS the contestants to finish just ONE dinner service without emptying the restaurant.
10:00 VH1 WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE
Debut! Test your pop culture knowledge against America's finest in this fun new show!
TUESDAY, JULY 11
9:00 CBS ROCKSTAR: SUPERNOVA
Good luck to Portland homegirl, Storm Large! (The rest of the contestants can suck it.)
10:00 FX RESCUE ME
After Tommy sexually assaults ex-wife Janet, their relationship improves. NICE MESSAGE.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 12
9:00 BRAVO PROJECT RUNWAY
Season Premiere! A brand new gang of designers line up to impress the pants off Heidi Klum.
9:00 NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT
Don't miss what is, hand's down, the creepiest, most uncomfortable show on TV. Now, there's a recommendation.