THURSDAY, JULY 6

9:00 CBS BIG BROTHER: ALL-STARS

Season Premiere! Twenty former wash-ups return to compete—which is like a dog returning to lap up its own vomit.

10:00 SPIKE THE DUDESONS

Debut! This Finnish Jackass features a gang of guys kicking each other in the fjords.

FRIDAY, JULY 7

9:00 CBS THE UNIT

New day and time! If you like "macho-cheese," check out this unintentionally hilarious military drama!

10:00 USA PSYCH

Debut! A young smart-ass with sharp deductive abilities fools the cops into thinking he's psychic. Stupid cops.

SATURDAY, JULY 8

9:00 SCI-FI SLAYER—Movie

(2006) It's Casper (Van Dien) the Vampire Slayer to the rescue when undead bloodsuckers bite his pal.

SUNDAY, JULY 9

9:00 COM CHAPPELLE'S SHOW

Season Premiere! Here are the so-called "lost" episodes that Chappelle himself thought were too crappy for broadcast. Thanks, Comedy Central!

10:30 COM RENO 911!

Season Premiere! The return of one of the funniest improv comedies on television. Thanks, Comedy Central! (I'm not being sarcastic this time.)

MONDAY, JULY 10

9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN

Chef Ramsay begs, BEGS the contestants to finish just ONE dinner service without emptying the restaurant.

10:00 VH1 WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE

Debut! Test your pop culture knowledge against America's finest in this fun new show!

TUESDAY, JULY 11

9:00 CBS ROCKSTAR: SUPERNOVA

Good luck to Portland homegirl, Storm Large! (The rest of the contestants can suck it.)

10:00 FX RESCUE ME

After Tommy sexually assaults ex-wife Janet, their relationship improves. NICE MESSAGE.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 12

9:00 BRAVO PROJECT RUNWAY

Season Premiere! A brand new gang of designers line up to impress the pants off Heidi Klum.

9:00 NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

Don't miss what is, hand's down, the creepiest, most uncomfortable show on TV. Now, there's a recommendation.