THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: CHINA

Season premiere! A new gang of castaways get shipped to China. Hmmm... that's a pretty big island.

8:00 NBC MY NAME IS EARL

Earl pays the ultimate price to get Joy's fat out of the fryer: going to prison!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

10:00 SCIFI PAINKILLER JANE

Series finale! In the last episode ever, the evil Neuros says "to hell with this," and leaves the set to get a milkshake.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

10:00 HBO D.L. HUGHLEY: UNAPOLOGETIC

A new comedy special featuring the sassy and undeniably smart D.L. Hughley!

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS

Season premiere! When Homer decides he needs a corporate jet, he enlists help from life coach Stephen Colbert!

9:00 ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

A clip show of last year's season, just in case you need to be reminded how bad this show is.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

Season premiere! A whole new cast of club-footed b-list celebs, including Wayne Newton!

9:00 NBC HEROES

Season premiere! It's been four months since the New York incident, and the world's still in deep crap.

10:00 NBC JOURNEYMAN

Debut! A normal guy discovers he's able to go back in time and fix screw-ups. Can he go back and make sure I never sleep with the mayor's daughter?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

9:00 FOX HOUSE

Season premiere! It's the return of America's favorite gimpy, pill-addicted doctor! Malpractice, schmalpractice.

10:00 CBS CANE

Debut! A new nighttime soap starring Jimmy Smits that's like a Latino Dynasty!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

9:00 NBC THE BIONIC WOMAN

Debut! A woman is given superhuman strength by her boyfriend doctor, and surprise—she nags him about it!

9:00 ABC PRIVATE PRACTICE

Debut! Addison transfers to an LA wellness clinic, where they think she looks like a horse, too.