THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: CHINA
Season premiere! A new gang of castaways get shipped to China. Hmmm... that's a pretty big island.
8:00 NBC MY NAME IS EARL
Earl pays the ultimate price to get Joy's fat out of the fryer: going to prison!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
10:00 SCIFI PAINKILLER JANE
Series finale! In the last episode ever, the evil Neuros says "to hell with this," and leaves the set to get a milkshake.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 22
10:00 HBO D.L. HUGHLEY: UNAPOLOGETIC
A new comedy special featuring the sassy and undeniably smart D.L. Hughley!
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
Season premiere! When Homer decides he needs a corporate jet, he enlists help from life coach Stephen Colbert!
9:00 ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
A clip show of last year's season, just in case you need to be reminded how bad this show is.
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season premiere! A whole new cast of club-footed b-list celebs, including Wayne Newton!
9:00 NBC HEROES
Season premiere! It's been four months since the New York incident, and the world's still in deep crap.
10:00 NBC JOURNEYMAN
Debut! A normal guy discovers he's able to go back in time and fix screw-ups. Can he go back and make sure I never sleep with the mayor's daughter?
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
9:00 FOX HOUSE
Season premiere! It's the return of America's favorite gimpy, pill-addicted doctor! Malpractice, schmalpractice.
10:00 CBS CANE
Debut! A new nighttime soap starring Jimmy Smits that's like a Latino Dynasty!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
9:00 NBC THE BIONIC WOMAN
Debut! A woman is given superhuman strength by her boyfriend doctor, and surprise—she nags him about it!
9:00 ABC PRIVATE PRACTICE
Debut! Addison transfers to an LA wellness clinic, where they think she looks like a horse, too.