8:00 FOX 'TIL DEATH
Debut! An old bored couple gives newlyweds marriage tips. Starring that weird huge guy from Everybody Loves Raymond!
8:30 FOX HAPPY HOUR
Debut! A recently jilted and unemployed guy moves in with his wild 'n' CA-RAZY buddy! Hijinks? Here we come!
8:00 FOX NANNY 911
Season Premiere! When confronted with some nasty kids, Nanny Stella pulls out some Mary Poppins-style whup-ass!
9:00 CBS FASHION ROCKS
A fashion show featuring Christina Aguilera, Kanye West, and pop culture whores the Pussycat Dolls.
8:00 TOON FANTASTIC FOUR
A new Marvel-produced cartoon featuring the classic foursome. (And it better not have a stupid flying robot!)
9:00 SCI SASQUATCH MOUNTAIN
Cons and cops team up to escape the hairy clutches of Sasquatch. (Are you sure that's not just a stinky hippie?)
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
Season Premiere! In the 18th season(!!) premiere, an ailing Fat Tony makes Homer mob boss!
8:00 ABC PATH TO 9/11
A searing two-part dramatization of "The 9/11 Commission Report." Performed by the hot teens from Disney's High School Musical!
8:00 NBC DATELINE NBC
A re-creation of Flight 93, whose heroic passengers stopped a terrorist attack. Performed by the hot teens from Disney's High School Musical!
8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Tucker Carlson and Joey Lawrence perform an interpretive dance paying tribute to the television specials re-creating the worst moments of 9/11.
10:00 ABC MEN IN TREES
Debut! A jilted author moves to Alaska—where she writes a book about hot Alaskan men. Who presumably live in trees?
8:00 CBS ROCK STAR: SUPERNOVA
Season Finale! Tommy Lee's washed-up rockers pick the poor sucker who will lead their band, and ruin any chance of their career.
10:00 ABC ALL-STAR SALUTE TO JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!
The best moments of Jimmy Kimmel's late-night show—which is a good idea, because I don't know a single person who's ever seen it.