THURSDAY, MARCH 6

9:00 ABC LOST

Juliette receives an unwelcome visitor, and Ben entices Locke with a sexy offer. EWW!

10:00 A&E CRIME 360

Debut! A new series exploring the criminal justice system. Tonight a homicide cop finds a body in a trunk. Again... EWW!

FRIDAY, MARCH 7

9:00 CMT ULTIMATE COYOTE UGLY SEARCH

Season premiere! Unlike those idiot Pussycat Dolls, this show actually has a pinch of charm.

SATURDAY, MARCH 8

8:00 SCIFI OGRE—Movie

(2008) John "Dukes of Hazzard" Schneider stumbles onto a village terrorized by ogres. Hope he brought the General Lee.

9:00 FOOD RACHAEL RAY FEEDS YOUR PETS

Did one of the pets eat her neck? Ka-ZING! Ya burnt, Rachael!

SUNDAY, MARCH 9

8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS

The prank Bart and Lisa play on Martin Prince goes horribly... HORRIBLY wrong.

9:00 HBO THE WIRE

Series finale! Look, if you haven't watched it yet, don't start now. Rent the series on DVD like everyone else!

MONDAY, MARCH 10

8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR

This "where are they now?" episode reunites us with past bachelorettes, and... surprise! They're still pathetic!

8:00 FOX CANTERBURY'S LAW

Debut! A lawyer buries herself in work after her son disappears. That doesn't sound depressing at all.

TUESDAY, MARCH 11

8:00 CW BEAUTY AND THE GEEK

Season premiere! The hot chicks are given "make-unders" and sent into a bar to pick up guys.

11:00 MTV HUMAN GIANT

Season premiere! This hilarioso sketch comedy show returns with more disturbingly humorous fun.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12

10:00 BRAVO TOP CHEF

Season premiere! Sixteen new wanna-be cooks vie for the top chef title, while keeping their fingers intact.

10:00 COM SOUTH PARK

Season premiere! Cartman, Kyle, and the gang return for their 12th season! (They've got to be getting close to puberty, right?)