8:30 NBC 30 ROCK
Return! For some unfathomable reason, an employee doesn't like Jack's new hit reality show, MILF Island.
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Return! Panic sweeps Dunder Mifflin when Michael and Jan invite everybody to a dinner party.
7:30 SCIFI THE SARAH JANE
Debut! Dr. Who's nerdy former sidekick teams up with a gaggle of nerds for a new series of nerdish adventures.
10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR
The different versions of Number Six get in a huge catfight over who gets to wear the red dress.
9:00 ANI GROOMER HAS IT
Debut! 12 dog groomers compete (to see who's the most frakking nuts)!
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT
Ashton Kutcher (who I unsuccessfully try to hate) hosts, along with musical guests Gnarls Barkley!
9:00 ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Return! Susan's young, very attractive cousin reveals more than expected. Finally, some non-cougar nudity!!
10:30 VH1 VIVA HOLLYWOOD
Debut! Contestants vie for a leading role on a Latino telenovela. Muy caliente!
8:00 FOX BONES
Return! I'm sorry, but I only watch this to see if David Boreanaz turns into a vampire. It's not going to happen, is it?
9:00 DSC DEADLIEST CATCH
Season premiere! These highly entertaining fishermen head out once again to catch the crabs. (Probably both kinds.)
9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
The contestants are instructed to pluck and cook chickens. Cue the banjo music!
8:00 ABC DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL
Hillary and Obama debate to see who is the better... wait... this just in... Obama has already been declared the winner.
10:00 MTV THE REAL WORLD:
Season premiere! The Real World is celebrating its 20th season... and yes! You are that old.