THURSDAY, MAY 29
9:00 ABC LOST
Season finale! In which I'm 100 percent sure that every single one of your questions will be fully answered.
10:30 COM RENO 911!
The deputies are assigned to train a squad of policeman from Baghdad—but really. What could go wrong?
FRIDAY, MAY 30
8:00 ABC 2008 NATIONAL SPELLING BEE
It's the most nail-biting competition on TV, featuring kids who are 30 times smarter than you.
10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
President Roslin is kidnapped by the Cylon hybrid. (How many mpg's do those hybrids get, anyway?
SATURDAY, MAY 31
9:00 SCIFI HEATSTROKE—Movie
(2008) Commandos must stop an alien race from turning the earth into s'mores. Starring Danica "Winnie from The Wonder Years" McKellar!
SUNDAY, JUNE 1
8:00 MTV 2008 MTV MOVIE AWARDS
Mike Myers hosts this annual tribute to cinematic excellence and poop jokes.
9:00 WE BRIDEZILLAS
Season premiere! The world's most psychotic brides are back, and— YOU CALL THAT A FLOWER ARRANGEMENT?!
MONDAY, JUNE 2
10:00 ABC THE MOLE
Season premiere! Contestants compete in games of intrigue while one of them tries to eff everything up.
10:00 MTV LEGALLY BLONDE: THE MUSICAL
Debut! For reasons unknown, there's a Legally Blonde musical, and even worse, there's a reality show where they try to cast it.
TUESDAY, JUNE 3
9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
In a shocking turn of events, the chefs have trouble making edible food and serving their customers.
10:00 FX 30 DAYS
Season premiere! Indie director Morgan Spurlock spends 30 days working in a coalmine. (AND only eating food from McDonalds?)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4
10:00 SPIKE THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER
This show is like The Real World—if the kids beat the crap out of each other. (In other words, it's better.)
10:00 TVLAND SHE'S GOT THE LOOK
Finally, a beauty contest for the older ladies. Cute MILF alert!