THURSDAY, DECEMBER 25

8:00 SOAP GENERAL HOSPITAL: X-MAS PAST

Classic General Hospital episodes that will surely include good tidings, cheer, and psychotic evil twins.

8:00 COM BAD SANTA—Movie

(2003) Billy Bob Thornton plays the nastiest Santa ever in this surefire cure for the holidays.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26

8:00 ABC WIFE SWAP

An etiquette-obsessed mom switches places with a steroid-pumped female weightlifter. Hilarity, you may now ensue!

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27

8:00 NBC OLYMPICS OPENING CEREMONIES

A repeat of the most amazing TV event of the year, which made Americans feel like crap.

9:00 TOON JUSTICE LEAGUE: THE NEW FRONTIER—Movie

(2008) A cool animated version of the origins of the Justice League set in the early '60s!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28

7:00 ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC—Movie

(1965) Governess Julie Andrews kicks Nazi ass—via the power of song!

10:30 HBO SUMMER HEIGHTS HIGH

Season finale! It's the premiere performance of Mr. G's musical about a dead student—produced in a very sensitive manner, of course.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 29

8:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL

In this repeat, Vanessa blackmails Blair, so Blair convinces Chuck to seduce Vanessa, and... why can't these kids get along?!

10:00 MTV THE CITY

Debut! Whitney from The Hills moves to NYC in this new "reality (wink-wink)" show.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30

8:30 ABC RUDOLPH'S SHINY NEW YEAR

Father Time asks Rudolph to rescue Baby New Year. Hold on! Doesn't that count as a "reindeer game"?

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31

10:00 ABC DICK CLARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE WITH RYAN SEACREST

Celebrate New Year's with Dick Clark (who I'm pretty sure is an android).

11:00 FOX NEW YEAR'S EVE LIVE

Stunt cyclist Robbie Knievel jumps a volcano in Las Vegas! Top that, android Dick Clark!