THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 5

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Michael lectures the other branches on how to succeed. Wow, those guys must really SUCK!

9:30 NBC 30 ROCK

You'll never guess who Liz Lemon's new neighbor is! Mad Men's JON HAMM!! (Who smokes, like, constantly.)

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 6

8:00 ANI JOCKEYS

Debut! Wait a godddamn second... this is about horse jockeys and not... oh, never mind.

10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

The Galactica gang organizes a morale-boosting talent show! (I wish I wasn't joking. Cheer up, LOSERS!)

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 7

9:00 SCIFI JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH—Movie

(2008) Greg Evigan (B.J. and the Bear) rescues sexy researchers from underneath the earth!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 8

9:30 MTV COLLEGE HUMOR

Debut! A sketch comedy show based on the office of collegehumor.com—and it actually looks halfway funny!

10:30 MTV HOW'S YOUR NEWS?

Debut! Reporters with disabilities travel the country. (Five bucks says they're better than Fox News!)

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 9

9:00 FOX 24

Evil villain Dubaku has the nerve to threaten OUR first family? Lay a finger on Malia and Sasha and we will DESTROY YOU.

9:00 MTV THE GIRLS OF HEDSOR HALL

Debut! America's naughtiest, boob-flashing girls are sent to a British charm school. This is outsourcing at its worst!!

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 10

8:00 ABC BE MY VALENTINE, CHARLIE BROWN

Charlie Brown is depressed after receiving a restraining order from the little red-haired girl.

10:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS

If you've ever wanted to see a three-year-old get spray tanned, then don't miss this reality show about toddler beauty pageants!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 11

9:00 ABC LOST

While trying to get the Oceanic Six back to the island, Ben faces a challenge (i.e., busting Hurley's dumb ass out of jail).

10:30 COM IMPORTANT THINGS WITH DEMETRI MARTIN

Debut! The hilarious Daily Show correspondent gets his own stand-up sketch comedy show!