8:00 CBS BIG BROTHER

Tonight, the house must vote out another roommate. (Please God! Let it be Peg-Leg!)

9:00 HBO 'N SYNC LIVE FROM MADISON SQUARE GARDEN

EEEEEEEEEEEEE! Justin! I loooove YOU! Omigod! Omigod! J. C.! I love you, too! Chris! Sorry, you're still really ugly!!

9:00 FOX NOW OR NEVER

Jerry Springer hosts this new show where people face their worst fears. Tonight, Martha Stewart licks a hippie's foot.

10:30 NIK BEWITCHED

The poop hits the fan when Uncle Arthur switches Sam's and Darrin's voices! Now, I'm sorry, but that is sooo GAY.

8:00 TNT GREASE--Movie

(1978) Olivia Newton-John stars as a virgin who learns that to be popular, you have to become a leather-wearing, cigarette-smoking hussy.

10:00 ABC DAVID BLAINE: MAGIC MAN

Magician David Blaine performs tricks on the street, sending innocent spectators screaming in terror.

8:00 FX M*A*S*H: GOODBYE, FAREWELL AND AMEN

The final episode of the series, and perhaps the most mind-numbingly awful show ever filmed! Lock up the liquor and gun cabinets!

9:00 FOX THE X-FILES

In an effort to get some money from the tobacco companies, Scully and Mulder investigate the possibility that cigarettes cause cancer!

8:00 FX SON OF THE BEACH MARATHON

Multiple episodes of this Howard Stern-produced parody of Baywatch.

9:00 FOX ALLY MCBEAL

Ally and Elaine compete to be backup singers for Tina Turner. Big deal! If it weren't for that bitch Gloria Reuben, I'd be one myself!

Tuesday, August 1

8:00 SCI FI CROSSING OVER WITH JOHN EDWARD

Tonight, John talks to a dead guy who thinks he might've left his toaster oven on.

Wednesday, August 2

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR

Rich (the evil, gay, spear-fisherman) devises a new plan to be the last one on the island: He poisons the eel!