Thursday, November 30

8:00 CBS 48 HOURS

A special report on "Ecstasy." And have I told you guys lately that I love you... so... fucking... MUCH?!?

8:00 FOX BRITNEY SPEARS: NO PLACE LIKE HOME

Brit returns to her one-cow hometown in Louisiana to perform a concert for the "little people."


Friday, December 1

8:00 ABC AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS

Hilarious videos of Christmas trees catching on fire and husbands falling off roofs.

10:00 CBS ELTON JOHN: GREATEST HITS LIVE

America's favorite geriatric fag comes home to CBS.


Saturday, December 2

8:00 CBS FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

Due to an unseasonable heat wave, this special has been replaced with Melty the Puddle.

9:00 FOX GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS

A man seals himself inside a coffin with 20,000 cockroaches. Happy holidays, everybody!


Sunday,

December 3

8:00 ABC CHRISTINA AGUILERA: MY REFLECTION

The Britney/Christina war continues with this holiday special.

9:00 NBC THE JOHN LENNON STORY--Movie

(2000) Enjoy yet another stoopid movie about rock 'n' roll's most overrated hack. And go ahead and send me more mean letters! I DON'T CARE!!!


Monday,

December 4

8:00 NBC TITANS

Hooray! TV's sauciest nighttime soap moves to Monday nights!

9:00 FOX ALLY McBEAL

When Elaine files a sexual harassment suit, Fish hires Robert Downey Jr. to... whoops! Too late! He's in jail again!


Tuesday, December 5

8:00 CBS RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER

When Santa turns out to be a real dick, Rudolph takes off with his little gay dentist pal.

10:00 ABC ONCE AND AGAIN

Rick takes skinny li'l Jessie to the headshrinker!


Wednesday, December 6

9:00 WB FELICITY

Felicity is in deep trouble when her two-ounce brain is forced to hold six liters of philosophy homework.