This Week on TV 


Thursday, March 1

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR

Okay... so who gets eaten by the crocodile? And is this retaliation for the pig incident?

8:00 WB GILMORE GIRLS

Rory's deadbeat dad comes riding into town, thinking he's all great and looking just infuriatingly dreamy!

10:00 CBS BIG APPLE

Debut! A new cop show starring Ed O'Neill, Michael Madsen, and (Eeeeeeeeee!) Donnie Wahlberg.


Friday, March 2

8:00 FOX SOLDIER--Movie

(1995) Kurt Russell stars as a hunky android who burns his cyber-bra to avoid the draft.

9:00 WB POPULAR

The girls want to meet more sophisticated men, so they... go to a FRAT party??!??!!


Saturday, March 3

9:00 WB SHEENA

A jungle earthquake (?) traps Sheena--with only one clean loincloth and NO makeup!

9:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Featuring special guest host, Jennifer "J. Lo" Lopez!


Sunday, March 4

9:00 ABC AMY AND ISABELLE--Movie

(2001) A shy 16-year-old has a hotsy-totsy affair with her math teacher (Rrrrroowrrr!).

9:00 FOX THE LONE GUNMEN

Debut! Those computer-hacking dweebs from The X-Files get their own show.


Monday, March 5

10:00 TBS KELLY'S HEROES--Movie

(1970) Clint Eastwood, Telly Savalas, and Don Rickles steal an assload of gold from a bunch of Nazi goose-stepping Krauts!


Tuesday, March 6

10:00 ABC NYPD BLUE

Three goth kids get depressed after being accused of murder. (Waitasecond! They were already depressed!!)

10:00 FX WORLD'S MOST SHOCKING MEDICAL VIDEOS

Featuring gangrenous faces and a man impaled on a spike. You bring the popcorn!


Wednesday, March 7

8:30 NIK ALF MARATHON!

Multiple episodes of outer space's smart-assiest, cat-eating alien.

10:30 COM TV FUNHOUSE

The Anipals take a field trip to explore the glamorous world of lab animals!

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