8:00 ABC A CHARLIE BROWN VALENTINE
Who could ever love YOU, Charlie Brown? You're ugly! And bald! And... wanna kick this football?
8:00 FOX FAMILY GUY
Brian attempts to answer actual questions from actual viewers.
Friday, February 15
8:00 FOX AMERICAN PIE--Movie
(1999) Boy meets pie, boy has sex with pie, audience loses all appetite for pie.
10:00 ABC THE IN-CROWD AND SOCIAL CRUELTY
An ABC special report on unpopular kids who are subjected to "bullying, isolation, and marred identity." Ha! Ha! I always wondered what happened to those nerds!
Saturday, February 16
8:00 UPN DIRTY HARRY--Movie
(1971) Clint Eastwood stars as a L.A. cop back in the days when it was cool to indiscriminately kill people.
8:00 AMC BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA--Movie
Coppola's version starring Gary Oldman (#10 on the Greatest Actors in the World list) as the all-day sucka!
Sunday, February 17
8:00 MTV MARDI GRAS 2002
MTV (becoming quickly known as the "Drunk College Student Channel") broadcasts this booby-flashing special from New Orleans.
9:00 HBO JANET JACKSON IN CONCERT
A live concert from Hawaii starring the sanest member of the Jackson clan (or simply, Ms. Jackson--if you're nasty).
Monday, February 18
8:00 TBS TOP GUN--Movie
(1986) Tom Cruise defends his country by playing shirtless beach volleyball and macking on the flight instructor.
Tuesday, February 19
9:00 SCI MAD MAX--Movie
(1979) Max uses exercises he learned in anger management classes to deal with a gang of biker bullies.
10:00 ANI AMAZING ANIMAL VIDEOS
Animal couplings that defy God's laws: crow and kitten, duck and dog, and (gasp!) dachshund and cordless phone!
Wednesday, February 20
9:00 HBO SIX FEET UNDER
David attends a mortician's convention in Las Vegas and gets busted by the cops for banging a male hooker on the hood of a car!