8:00 ABC A CHARLIE BROWN VALENTINE

Who could ever love YOU, Charlie Brown? You're ugly! And bald! And... wanna kick this football?

8:00 FOX FAMILY GUY

Brian attempts to answer actual questions from actual viewers.

Friday, February 15

8:00 FOX AMERICAN PIE--Movie

(1999) Boy meets pie, boy has sex with pie, audience loses all appetite for pie.

10:00 ABC THE IN-CROWD AND SOCIAL CRUELTY

An ABC special report on unpopular kids who are subjected to "bullying, isolation, and marred identity." Ha! Ha! I always wondered what happened to those nerds!

Saturday, February 16

8:00 UPN DIRTY HARRY--Movie

(1971) Clint Eastwood stars as a L.A. cop back in the days when it was cool to indiscriminately kill people.

8:00 AMC BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA--Movie

Coppola's version starring Gary Oldman (#10 on the Greatest Actors in the World list) as the all-day sucka!

Sunday, February 17

8:00 MTV MARDI GRAS 2002

MTV (becoming quickly known as the "Drunk College Student Channel") broadcasts this booby-flashing special from New Orleans.

9:00 HBO JANET JACKSON IN CONCERT

A live concert from Hawaii starring the sanest member of the Jackson clan (or simply, Ms. Jackson--if you're nasty).

Monday, February 18

8:00 TBS TOP GUN--Movie

(1986) Tom Cruise defends his country by playing shirtless beach volleyball and macking on the flight instructor.

Tuesday, February 19

9:00 SCI MAD MAX--Movie

(1979) Max uses exercises he learned in anger management classes to deal with a gang of biker bullies.

10:00 ANI AMAZING ANIMAL VIDEOS

Animal couplings that defy God's laws: crow and kitten, duck and dog, and (gasp!) dachshund and cordless phone!

Wednesday, February 20

9:00 HBO SIX FEET UNDER

David attends a mortician's convention in Las Vegas and gets busted by the cops for banging a male hooker on the hood of a car!