10:00 COURT MEMPHIS HOMICIDE SQUAD

Down-south detectives scrape up some murder victims and then, scrape up some biscuits, gravy, and grits! Yee-HAW!

10:00 COM SOUTH PARK

Ned and Jimbo's hunting show is in deep poo when their competition, Jesus & Pals, beats them in the ratings.

Friday, April 19

9:00 FOX DARK ANGEL

Though President Bush has put a ban on human cloning, he makes an exception for Max's sexy clone!

10:00 MTV mtvICON

MTV celebrates Aerosmith's contributions to humanity. (Yeah, besides the scarves on the microphone, I can't think of any, either.)

Saturday, April 20

8:00 HIS SCARFACE--Movie

(1983) Tony Montana shares his secrets for success in this rags-to-big-piles-of-cocaine story.

9:00 VH1 SHOWGIRLS--Movie

Elizabeth Berkley stars in the greatest movie of all time (if you don't count Patrick Swayze's Roadhouse).

Sunday, April 21

9:00 ABC ALIAS

Syd and Vaughn try to buy a Rambaldi artifact on eBay, but are outbid by a comic book store owner in Wisconsin.

10:00 E! TV TALES

The washed-up cast of M*A*S*H remember the series and give each other undeserved handjobs. I'm sorry, but I hate that fawking show!!

Monday, April 22

8:00 OXY WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE--Movie

(1995) 11-year-old Dawn Wiener enters junior high and quickly discovers the fact that life sucks hippo dick.

Tuesday, April 23

10:00 FX THE SHIELD

Vic and the gang go after a spree killer in this head-bustin' and dirty talkin' new series.

10:30 MTV THE OSBOURNES

When Ozzy takes the kids to the zoo, they're embarrassed when dad starts drooling over the bat exhibit.

Wednesday, April 24

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: THE FIRST 24 DAYS

A retrospective clip show of this season's Survivor, for those of you who give a crap.

9:00 VH1 WARNING: PARENTAL ADVISORY--Movie

(2002) Twisted Sister takes on Tipper Gore in this comedy about the government's campaign to censor rock 'n' roll!