This Week on TV 


Thursday, May 9

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: MARQUESAS

With only nine days left on the island, the Survivors pass the time by filling their cracks with sand in an attempt to make pearls.

10:00 NBC E.R.

No, this time they mean it: this is Dr. Mark Greene's final episode. Oh, for chrissakes! DIE ALREADY!!


Friday, May 10

8:00 FOX THE SEARCH FOR A PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD

Regardless of what you cynics think, this special is an attempt to showcase the girls' talent--not their titties!

8:00 BET KRUSH GROOVE--Movie

(1985) A record producer lands in trouble with loan sharks--and gets rescued by Run DMC and the Fat Boys!


Saturday, May 11

8:00 UPN UNDER SIEGE--Movie

(1992) When a nuclear battleship is hijacked, it's up to tubby SEAL commando and chef, Steven Seagal, to save the day!

9:00 DIS MVP: MOST VALUABLE PRIMATE--Movie

(2000) A runaway chimp becomes a professional hockey player in what is perhaps the best plot I've ever heard in my life.


Sunday, May 12

9:00 ABC ALIAS

Season Finale! While trying to save the annoying Will Tippen, Sydney, and Vaughn pause to do some tongue wrasslin'.

9:00 NBC L.A. LAW: THE MOVIE

(2002) Saggy-assed ex-hotties return for one more case--and I'm pretty sure I don't remember offering an invitation...


Monday, May 13

9:00 WB ANGEL

Angel and Connor smooch and make up, which means it's finally time to hunt down and kill some vampires.


Tuesday, May 14

8:00 WB BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

No more betting! On tonight's episode, find out which of the Scoobies is gonna croak!

10:00 MTV THE OSBOURNES

Remember! If you have a post 1992 television, you can program it to receive "closed captioning"--and understand every word Ozzy says!


Wednesday, May 15

8:00 TWC THE WEATHER CHANNEL 20TH ANNIVERSARY SHOW

Wow. And the scary thing is, it's probably more interesting than the Laverne & Shirley reunion special.

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