Thursday, September 12

8:00 WB FAMILY AFFAIR
Debut! Gary Cole is the bachelor uncle, and Tim Curry is the befuddled butler in this remake of the 1960s anti-nuclear family gem.

Friday, September 13

9:00 TBS JAWS--Movie(1975)
Steven Spielberg's ass-chewing tribute to the shark.

Saturday, September 14

7:00 FAM FACTS OF LIFE REUNION
Mrs. Garrett gets the girls back together when she finds out that Blair is having trouble with her Tootie.

Sunday, September 15

9:00 HBO THE SOPRANOS
Season Premiere! After a hiatus of a year and a half (!!), the goombah soap opera returns. And they expect us to be just waiting around? Fuhgeddaboutit!

Monday, September 16

9:00 WB EVERWOOD
Debut! Treat Williams drags his whiny brats off to a new life in Colorado. Oh, gee... thanks DAD. Why don't you just join the goddamn militia while you're at it?!?

Tuesday, September 17

8:00 ABC 8 SIMPLE RULES
Debut! John "Three's Company" Ritter returns to TV as an uptight pop who attempts to keep his hot and slutty daughters from getting banged by every horny stud in the neighborhood.

9:00 ABC LIFE WITH BONNIE
Debut! A local TV show host gets in hot water after opening her fat trap about family secrets. (Don't get involved with this one, folks. Swami Steve sez it'll be gone in three episodes.)

9:00 ABC PUSH, NEVADA
Debut! Ben Affleck and his producer buddies created this interactive mystery drama where viewers put together clues and track down an ass-load of missing cash.

Wednesday, September 18

8:30 FOX CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER
Debut! One of the original "Kings of Comedy" tries to pull a Bernie Mac with this sketch and variety show.

9:00 FOX FASTLANE
Debut! Peter Facinelli and MTV's Bill Bellamy star as undercover cops who are happily bossed around by Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. Could be a winner!

9:00 UPN TWILIGHT ZONE
Debut! Yet another reincarnation of the creaky sci-fi show, this time hosted by Forest "O, How the Mighty Have Fallen" Whitaker.