Thursday, December 26
8:00
NBC FRIENDS
Chandler gets mad when Monica buys expensive boots more tanned and leathery than she is.
9:00
NBC WILL & GRACE
Jack is touched beyond belief when he receives a brand new bottle of lube and a tiger-striped thong.
Friday, December 27
8:00
UPN M*A*S*H 30TH ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL
Hawkeye and B.J. "Blowjob" Hunicutt reflect on how much their 30-year-old show sucked.
9:00
A&E AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN--Movie
(1982) Richard "Mayonnaise" Gere uses his Navy uniform to bone Debra Winger.
Saturday, December 28
9:00
E! STAR DATES
Saved by the Bell heartthrob Dustin "Screech" Diamond goes out on two blind dates. Oh, you lucky, lucky girls!
10:00
VH1 MADONNA: TRUTH OR DARE--Movie
(1991) This documentary chronicles the pinnacle of Madonna's career as she sings, dances, and mothers a bunch of snippy gay guys.
Sunday, December 29
8:00
ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC--Movie
(1965) Julie Andrew uses music to trick a bunch of dirty, stinking Aryan Nazi rat bastards.
10:30
MTV THE OSBOURNES
Kelly brings home her skanky new boyfriend to meet the family.
Monday, December 30
9:00
VH1 FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF--Movie
(1986) Matthew Broderick plays a budding megalomaniac who uses his friends to advance his own selfish causes.
Tuesday, December 31
10:00
ABC DICK CLARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE
Aging android Dick Clark rings in the New Year in NY's Times Square.
10:30
MTV NEW YEAR'S EVE PAJAMA PARTY
Aging android Carson Daley rings in the New Year in pajamas.
Wednesday, January 1
9:00 am
CBS TOURNAMENT OF ROSES PARADE
Oh, for the love of God, can you please BE QUIET?!? My fawking head is KILLING ME!!!
9:00
TNN PLATOON--Movie
(1986) Oliver Stone's nod to the 'Nam, starring Charlie Sheen and Willem Dafoe.
