Thursday, December 26
Chandler gets mad when Monica buys expensive boots more tanned and leathery than she is.
NBC WILL & GRACE
Jack is touched beyond belief when he receives a brand new bottle of lube and a tiger-striped thong.
Friday, December 27
UPN M*A*S*H 30TH ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL
Hawkeye and B.J. "Blowjob" Hunicutt reflect on how much their 30-year-old show sucked.
A&E AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN--Movie
(1982) Richard "Mayonnaise" Gere uses his Navy uniform to bone Debra Winger.
Saturday, December 28
E! STAR DATES
Saved by the Bell heartthrob Dustin "Screech" Diamond goes out on two blind dates. Oh, you lucky, lucky girls!
VH1 MADONNA: TRUTH OR DARE--Movie
(1991) This documentary chronicles the pinnacle of Madonna's career as she sings, dances, and mothers a bunch of snippy gay guys.
Sunday, December 29
ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC--Movie
(1965) Julie Andrew uses music to trick a bunch of dirty, stinking Aryan Nazi rat bastards.
MTV THE OSBOURNES
Kelly brings home her skanky new boyfriend to meet the family.
Monday, December 30
VH1 FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF--Movie
(1986) Matthew Broderick plays a budding megalomaniac who uses his friends to advance his own selfish causes.
Tuesday, December 31
ABC DICK CLARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE
Aging android Dick Clark rings in the New Year in NY's Times Square.
MTV NEW YEAR'S EVE PAJAMA PARTY
Aging android Carson Daley rings in the New Year in pajamas.
Wednesday, January 1
CBS TOURNAMENT OF ROSES PARADE
Oh, for the love of God, can you please BE QUIET?!? My fawking head is KILLING ME!!!
(1986) Oliver Stone's nod to the 'Nam, starring Charlie Sheen and Willem Dafoe.