Thursday, January 308:00 NBC FRIENDSAfter a night of karaoke, Monica thinks she's hot snot on china, when in actuality, she's a cold booger on a paper plate.

9:00 WB THE SURREAL LIFEWhen the gang loses all their money in Vegas, Hammer is forced to bet his parachute pants.

Friday,

January 31

8:00

FOX

FASTLANE

Van and Deaque must put on their trendiest clothes to catch a cop killer.

8:00 BET DISORDERLIES--Movie(1987) '80s rap group, The Fat Boys are hired by a hospital to take care of a millionaire. See, that's what we're missing from today's movies: REALISM.

Saturday, February 18:00 E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORYA behind-the-scenes peek at The Gong Show, which can't be as depressing as the George Clooney version.

10:00 ANI ULTIMATE ANIMAL ODDITIESGraphic examples of forbidden love in nature! Including: crow and kitten, duck and dog, and wiener dog and cordless phone.

Sunday,

February 29:00 ABC ALIASSydney is assigned to discover two things about special guest star Ethan Hawke: Is he a double agent, and what's with the crooked teeth?

10:00 NBC KINGPINDebut! A powerful drug family takes on the DEA in this TV remake of Scarface.

Monday, February 38:00 NBC FEAR FACTORIn this episode entitled the "All Gross Show," contestants bob for objects in a 50-gallon tub of cow's blood. Yup, that's gross, all right.

Tuesday, February 48:00 UPN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYERAfter kissing one of the slayers in training, Willow goes through a strange transformation (not heterosexuality, I assume).

9:30 NBC A.U.S.A.Debut! A new comedy about the assistant U.S. attorney's office, starring Jennifer Garner's hottie hubby, Scott Foley.

Wednesday, February 59:00 WB ANGELAngel's a bloodthirsty killer again, so the gang tosses him into a cage until he learns some manners.

9:00 FOX BERNIE MACBernie offends Wanda's new boss, who turns out to be (gulp!) Wesley Snipes?!?