This Week on TV 

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 6:00 ALL NETS PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE It's the classic battle between Ivy League intellectual and Ivy League hillbilly as John Kerry takes on President Bush! 8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: VANUATU The castaways cry like goddamn babies when two contestants are kicked off the island.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 1 8:00 CBS JOAN OF ARCADIA God gets miffed when Joan tells Him to take His job and shove it. 10:00 CBS DR. VEGAS Tommy (poor Rob Lowe) gets pressured to let a bloody championship fight continue.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 2 8:00 ABC LOST Miss the two-hour season premiere of the best show of the season? Here's your chance to catch up with this well-timed repeat! 10:00 VH1 WHEN MELROSE PLACE RULED THE WORLD The best nighttime soap of the '90s gets its due with this sassy retrospective.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 3 9:00 ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES Debut! Desperate housewife Mary Alice commits suicide sending her neighbors and friends into a tailspin! 10:00 ABC BOSTON LEGAL Debut! James Spader and William "Wild Bill" Shatner star in this quirky spin-off of The Practice.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 4 8:00 NBC FEAR FACTOR In this all-women episode, the girls are given a choice: Dive into a pit of venomous snakes or tongue-kiss host Joe Rogan.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 5 6:00 ALL NETS VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE Hot 'n' sexy V.P. candidate John Edwards takes on the scary and reptilian Dick Cheney. What? Do I sound biased? 9:00 PAX COLD TURKEY Debut! Ten chain-smokers are plopped into a house and asked to quit cigarettes--and without killing each other.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 6 8:00 WB SMALLVILLE Clark is alarmed when a local girl gets an "extreme makeover"--thanks to kryptonite! 8:00 ABC LOST Castaways Jack and Hurley discover Kate's secret stash of Snickers bars and clean underpants.

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