FRIDAY, DECEMBER 31
10:00 ABC DICK CLARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE This year, Regis Philbin will be filling in for Dick Clark, who's currently rockin' a defibrillator.
10:00 NBC NEW YEAR'S EVE W/ CARSON DALY Personally, I'd rather spend New Year's Eve with a pant-load of seeping syphilis sores.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 1
10:00 AM ABC COLLEGE FOOTBALL Here's your stupid college football, meatheads. I'm going back to bed.
8:00 WB GLITTER--Movie (2001) Nothing cures a hangover like one of the worst movies of all time starring the monstrous Mariah Carey!
SUNDAY, JANUARY 2
9:00 ABC DYNASTY: THE MAKING OF A GUILTY PLEASURE--Movie (2004) A recreation of all the behind-the-scenes action of one of the greatest nighttime soaps ever!
MONDAY, JANUARY 3
8:00 FOX WHO'S YOUR DADDY? Orphan wins big bucks if she's able to pick her biological daddy out of a lineup. Bring your moral outrage and Kleenex!
Debut! Poor Patricia Arquette gives up on her movie career to play a psychic crime fighter.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 4
9:00 <>UPN VERONICA MARS One of Veronica's pals is convinced he was switched at birth--and still has the placenta to prove it!
9:30 NBC COMMITTED Debut! Crazy, brilliant guy falls in love with spacey, free spirit chick in this new sitcom that has true vomit potential.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5
8:00 UPN THE ROAD TO STARDOM WITH MISSY ELLIOTT Debut! 13 contestants vie for a recording contract and $100,000 under the watchful eye of Missy Elliott.
9:00 ABC ALIAS Sydney refuses to put on her bra and panty set unless she gets an apology from pappy Jack!