As a tenured professor at one of Portland's more prestigious universities, I would like to welcome everyone back for another exciting adventure in learning. I would also like to clear up a misconception that so many new students suffer from: I AM RIGHT... YOU ARE WRONG. Why is this concept so hard for you to grasp? I'm the one standing in front of the classroom delivering the information, you are the ones half-asleep in your chairs, RECEIVING said information. That's your ONLY job as a student: to receive this information, and leave me alone.

And yet? Most of you cannot even accomplish this minute task. It is a rare class indeed that doesn't end with some baseball-capped jock or bleached-blonde twat begging to cut some type of deal. "Mr. Tenured Professor, I can't have that paper in on time because my sorority is pledging, and I plan on contracting a sexually transmitted disease that evening." Or "Mr. Tenured Professor, the reason I missed the final exam is because my step-grandmother died as a result of shame from the sexually transmitted disease I recently acquired."

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, just stop it. I've heard every possible permutation of lies in existence—so please, let's stop fooling one another. You want a good grade? Then adhere to one of only three choices: (1) Offer me oral sex. (2) Offer me the entirety of your trust fund. Or (3) come to class, and regurgitate the INFORMATION YOU ARE PAYING TO RECEIVE. Get it? Got it? Good.

Now, have a great year, and—most importantly—NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.

An Anonymous Tenured Professor