"What's this movie about?"
"Relationships I guess."
"Oh look, it's that chick from Law & Order."
"I like her freckles. OMG, is that Barto from Jack & Jill?"
"It IS Barto! What are they talking about?"
"I wasn't listening."
"I think they were on a blind date, and now they're in love."
"What the fuck? Is he putting his jacket down on the puddle?"
"That's stupid. And they're going on a picnic? Who goes on a picnic? What the fuck life is this?"
"My least favorite life ever. Oh my god. Oh my god. Did she just say, 'I need you inside of me'?"
"If someone said that to me, I'd be like, 'I don't even want to go in there ever now.'"
"They're moving in together? I hate them so much. Oh no. I think she said, 'I'm dripping.'"
"She said, 'I'm marking my territory.'"
"Wait. I have a theory. Maybe this movie is supposed to make us have these feelings, because it's a movie about the two most heinous people ever."
"I don't care. All they do is fuck and cry."
"The press release says it's 'all-too-real' and it has 'no heroes, no villains.'"
"That's weird, because you know what makes movies interesting? Heroes. And villains."
"Hey, the cast is coming to town. Do you think I should interview them?"
"Yes. Question one: Barto, did you really put your face in her vagina, or was she wearing a merkin?"
"Wow, he just said, 'Spermicidal gel burns my penis.' Did you hear that?"
"I like TV better than movies. I wish we could fast forward."
"God, I know."