THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 14

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR

Season Premiere! This season the tribes are divided up according to race. Something tells me this was a honky's idea.

8:00 NBC MY NAME IS EARL

Check out some O.G. Earl with the very first (and very funny) pilot episode!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

8:00 TNT KILL BILL: VOL. 1—Movie

(2003) It's Quentin Tarantino's awesome tribute to revenge flicks, starring Uma Thurman as a wronged assassin!

11:00 A&E MI-5

Season Premiere! If you loved Alias (when it was good), don't miss this dark series about British intelligence.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

8:00 MYNTV DESIRE & FASHION HOUSE RECAP

Since there's no fawking way I'm gonna watch these shows every night of the week, here's the two-hour recap!

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

8:00 WB BUFFY AND DAWSON PILOTS

It's a celebration of old-school WB with the original pilot episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dawson's Creek!

8:30 CBS AMAZING RACE

Season Premiere! It's another season of contestants busting ass around the globe to win some money. Stop and smell the roses, people!

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

10:00 CBS CSI: MIAMI

Season Premiere! Which CSI is this? Oh, the one set in Miami.

10:00 NBC STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP

Debut! A behind-the-scenes sneaky peek of an SNL wannabe, from hot poop producer Aaron Sorkin!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

9:00 CBS THE UNIT

Season Premiere! This unintentionally hilarious military drama returns with more weepy wives and terrorist ass-kickin'.

10:00 CBS SMITH

Debut! Ray Liotta stars in this show, which will probably bomb just like all shows with big celebrities in them.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Season Premiere! Tyra Banks is back with another gaggle of empty-headed models. Let's get FIERCE!

8:00 CBS JERICHO

Debut! Goddammit. Another nuclear holocaust? Well... there goes my weekend.