New Column! 

Under New Management! Dandy Warhols' Courtney Taylor-Taylor: New Owner of Mercury-Mercury!

It's the dawning of a new age here at the Portland Mercury offices.

As of this issue, Index Publishing has handed over complete ownership of the Portland Mercury to its new CEO (and lead singer of local super group the Dandy Warhols), Courtney Taylor-Taylor.

It all started last week, when the Willamette Week interviewed the nationally recognized rock star, in which he showed anger at the Mercury for printing a rumor that the Warhols were on the verge of breaking up. Here's what was said:

WW: Last month, the Portland Mercury reported...

Courtney Taylor-Taylor: "The Portland Mercury are little liars, and they're little baby brats. Obviously, they just lie a lot and one day they're just going to be crushed by a libel suit."

WW: So, you know what I'm talking about.

CTT: "Yeah, they said we had split up, which isn't true. Do they know that I can actually own their company for them saying that? Little girls."

Now, just for the record, here's the original item posted by Mercury Music Editor Adam Gnade in his October 13 "It's Who You Know" column:

"After 11 years, the Dandy Warhols may be breaking up! Deepthroatic sources say the band is "super bummed" by the reaction to their latest record, Odditorium or Warlords of Mars (which www.pitchforkmedia.com gave a nasty 1.2), and are considering moving on. This may be lies or blasphemous rumors; we'll keep you updated."

Well, here's the update! Apparently not only are the Dandy Warhols staying together (yay!), but in order to avoid having our paper taken away in a protracted legal battle, the owners of the Mercury have decided to go ahead and GIVE our tabloid directly to Courtney Taylor-Taylor.

To say the least, this is a very exciting day for the Portland Mercury (which, according to Mr. Taylor-Taylor, will be re-named the Portland Mercury-Mercury).

However, as it turns out, having a rock star for a boss is, like, the most awesome thing EVER! He's totally cool if we show up to work late, he doesn't yell at us for downloading porn, and those random bi-hourly drug tests are a thing of the past. He does still occasionally refer to us as "baby brats" and "little girls," but we like to think it's out of fondness and respect. Plus, he's kindly decided to let most of us keep our jobs—except for former Music Editor Adam Gnade, who's been "promoted" to "assistant to the guy who mops up jizz at Mr. Peeps."

But wait. You're asking, "Will the Portland Mercury-Mercury still be the same weekly tabloid run by liars, little girls, and baby brats that I've come to expect?" Courtney Taylor-Taylor's answer? "Hell, no! Hell, no!" Get ready for a NEW Portland Mercury-Mercury, one that reflects the power pop style and grabby hooks of rock sensations the Dandy Warhols. Instead of the same old boring content you're used to reading, the new Portland Mercury-Mercury will be "EDGIER," and "IN YOUR FACE"—just like the toe-tapping tunes of Courtney Taylor-Taylor! Only the hep cats and chickies will be allowed to read (or even understand) the new Mercury-Mercury! In other words, crawl back in your coffins, old-fogeys... Taylor-Taylor's Mercury-Mercury has sold its souly-soul to ROCK 'N' ROLL!

Here are only a few of the exciting changes you'll see under the new Taylor-Taylor management-management:

• More positive reviews of Dandy Warhols' CDs.

• Author's names will be hyphenated and repeated—just like our beloved leader, Courtney Taylor-Taylor!

• A new weekly column written by Taylor-Taylor himself! (See "Hey Retailer! Norman Mailer Needs an Inhaler!" By Courtney Taylor-Taylor.)

• Only certain articles will be given the "Courtney Taylor-Taylor Approved-Approved" Stamp of Approval-Approval. (For example, positive reviews of Dandy Warhols' CDs.) Everything else is written by "a liar" or "a baby brat," so don't bother reading it.

• And... boobies!

Are other papers jealous of us? YOU BET THEY ARE! The Willamette Week is spitting mad over our good luck (especially since they're owned by American Idol finalist Clay Aiken). Three cheers (no, six!) for Courtney Taylor-Taylor! It's the dawn of a new day for Portland media, and with Courtney Taylor-Taylor at our helm, the Portland Mercury-Mercury will only get better and better.

And according to Taylor-Taylor? That's a promise-promise.

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