LL COOL J, NAAM BRIGADE, COOL NUTZ
(Roseland) LL Cool J's last hit was "Doin It" in 1995, his last real hiphop song was "The Boomin' System" in 1990, and his most important contribution to the hiphop canon was, of course, "Going Back to Kali" (1987). Though I can't stand his new stuff, particularly with the Violator crew, I admire his endurance. I'm almost positive that he has had the longest career in the rap business. He began in the mid '80s with Radio (which is overrated), and managed to stay, with varying degrees of brightness, in the rap limelight. His last CD, GOAT ("Greatest of All Time"), was not a big hit, nor was it a flop. CHARLES MUDEDE

THE DISHES, GODDAMN GENTLEMEN, THE AEFFECT
(Blackbird) The Dishes crank out your basic amped-up '77 punk rock. Not new ground, but they tread it with enough energy, spirit, and 'tude to hang with the best of 'em. As at any cotillion soiree, these Dishes are paired up with some Goddamn Gentlemen, with their own testosterone version of garage punk. ROLAND COUTURE

DJ CHILL, FIVE FINGERS OF FUNK, COOL NUTZ
(Berbati's) It is tempting to be one of the Ladies Loving Cool James, but do you wanna be one out of many? Or do you wanna feel special? Longtime Five Fingers of Funk spinner DJ Chill's scratching and beat-matching will make you feel like the only lady in the room. Or man. JULIANNE SHEPHERD

YARD DOGS ROAD SHOW
(Fez) If riding the rails is not an actual possibility for you, here is a way to see a tiny sampling of this crazy, brilliant culture. The Yard Dogs are the accompanying band to Eddy Joe Cotton, who is promoting his book about trainhopping. The band plays jug band music, and puts on a vaudeville tramp show on the side. KATIA DUNN

SKERVY: QUEER TO THE BONE
(Billy Ray's) Yo, lesbos with pirate fetishes! Skervy, Billy Ray's new queer-and-trans-centric DJ night, features Deejay Zanne and her "mates" dropping a swashbuckling, pirate-costume-encouraged mix of punk, hiphop, riot grrrl, buttrock, and, of course, shanty tunes. Bring your parrots! JS

TEM EYOS KI, NECKTIE PARTY, SOUR GRAPES, DEAD SERAPHIM, JONNY X & THE GROADIES
(Nicole's, 617 NE Fremont, 7 pm) There's a deep, hotheaded anxiety to Necktie Party's music--a nerve-snapping, fight-or-flight aggression, which artfully wrecks stability in favor of unleashing hypnotic terror that claws its way out of the core of every song. This Olympia act has only been around since 2000, but they're already jolting fans with a spastic new wave of hardcore. JENNIFER MAERZ

PAT BENATAR
(Roseland) Sold out, because Pat Benatar is the queen. JS

THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS
(Crystal) TMBG are touring to support their recent children's album, NO!. I will list a few of the titles from that record, because it is very good, and the titles are funny enough to give you an idea what you're getting into: "Fibber Island," "Robot Parade," "I Am a Grocery Bag." SEAN NELSON

BOY SKOUT, ROLLINGBLACKOUTS, JUNIOR PANTHERS, HIDDEN UNDER THE HIDDEN UNDER
(Medicine Hat) A trio from San Francisco, Boy Skout has a secret weapon: this vocalist who sounds like a depressed kewpie doll, a sort of Nina Hagen/Kate Bush/that chick from the Cranes thing, who adds an eerie, new-wavey feel to their otherwise weird, guitar-based darkpop. JS

AMERICAN ANALOG SET, HER SPACE HOLIDAY, DOLOREAN
(Blackbird) This is an evening of nicely written, safe indierock--the softly emotive swoon of a boy vocalist, the soothing sound of a Rhodes, a dash of lullaby here and there, some froofy guitarwork. Her Space Holiday steps on the limb with pretty electronics, but for the most part, the three bands on this bill stay within the realm of safety. JS

MRS. PORTLAND MERCURY BEAUTY PAGEANT
(Berbati's) Read more about the Mrs. Portland Mercury Beauty Pageant on pg 6--but also know that DJ Wicked--Portland's greatest deejay--will spin a super and tasteful mix of hiphop afterwards. JS

BOZART, OCIFER, FACE DOWN IN SHIT
(Ash Street) Bozart consists of Peter Hawkinson on guitar, and Lachrymator's Derek Oringer on drums and occasional guitar. Performing, Hawkinson enters a trance-like state, eyes rolling back in his skull as he runs down his rich, intricate stream of notes. Meanwhile, Oringer's precise drums are always punctuating, sorting notes into seemingly random micro-groupings of 2, 3, 4, 5... anything goes, except a uniform plodding beat. You'll wonder how they ever wrote something so complex, much less remembered how to play it so perfectly. Ideas come rolling out in such quick succession and deliberately uneven meter, that you spend the entire song in a state of surprise. ROLAND COUTURE

COREY FELDMAN & THE TRUTH MOVEMENT
(Dante's) Corey Feldman & the Truth Movement consists of Corey Feldman singing, rapping, dancing around in a top hat, and working the crowd like he's at the goddamn Hollywood Bowl, while his hesher back-up band plays variations on metal, grunge, funk, and god knows what else. It's a spectacle, and that's why you're going, but after about 20 minutes, it's just sort of depressing. JS

CATO SALSA EXPERIENCE, THE CATHETERS
(Satyricon) See Music pg 15

THE DISAPPEARER'S LAST SHOW, THE RUBELLA, DESERT CITY SOUNDTRACK, THE SWEEPS
(Rubella House, 2 blocks N of Alberta on NE 15th) In order to pursue other... pursuits, Portland basement show stalwarts The Disappearer are calling it quits. NO! But your ears may perk up when you hear that bassist Jon W. is devoting more time to his rock outfit, Tough Love, and Steve G. is moving on to a new project, which will be brilliant. And perhaps the reunion of The Sweeps will also soothe--their last show consisted of a completely amazing performance by a sombrero-donning Pablo de Ocampo screaming into a microphone amid a barrage of noise and sweeping up scraps of paper. Um, so you don't wanna miss it. JS

HIGH ON FIRE, LOST GOAT, BOULDER, WITCH MOUNTAIN
(Satyricon) If you are in search of the metal, here's your show. Lost Goat plays dark melodies that are a little suicidal, but angst and impending doom are what metal is all about anyway. Boulder is not great; they do the punk group singalong and rely a lot on repetition--but their guitar solos tear shit up. High on Fire's metal is tight on disc, not so tight in person, but give 'em another shot... they've gotta start sounding like the recordings some day. KATIE SHIMER

NILE, SOILENT GREEN, HATE ETERNAL, ORIGIN
(Meow Meow) By this point, it takes a lot for a death-metal band to stand out from the pack. South Carolina's Nile are unique for their over-the-top obsession with Egyptian history and mythology, which on paper seems ridiculous, but if you've ever heard these guys, you know they're not kidding. Their painstakingly researched lyrics and convoluted song titles (e.g., "Invocation of the Gate of Aat-Ankh-es-en-Amenti" and "Libation unto the Shades Who Lurk in the Shadows of the Temple of Anhur") reflect the same level of dedication required to pull off the type of hypnotic heaviness that is the reason they're so popular. WILLIAM YORK

MONITOR BATS, DYING CALIFORNIAN, NERVOUS & THE KID
(Fast Forward, 6616 NE MLK) See 7-inch Sendup, pg 15

FIRE SHOW, CAESURA
(Blackbird) See MWBW pg 13

J-LIVE, PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS, UGLY DUCKLING, ALTER ECHO
(Fez) You know J-Live as a laidback, revered, underground hiphop MC with smart lyrics and a smooth cadence--but do you know Mr. Cadet, eighth-grade English teacher? In the mid '90s, after J-Live got the bumpty-bump by his major label, and a host of bootlegs showed up on the Internet, J-Live turned to school. In turn, it seems diagramming sentences and identifying gerunds inspired him to return to what he does best: rhyming. His most recent record, All of the Above, features gravely astute, socially conscious lyrics, and J-Live's groove is powerful as ever. JS

THE NIGHTMARES, THE TRIGGERS, THE DIE JOBS
(Conan's) The Die Jobs' vocalist commands attention, with her punk yell that transforms into a chalky, wailing singing voice. And the band uses their two guitars creatively, pitting them against each other, with pedals and distortion to create a sound that is refreshingly atypical of punk rock. KS

THE HUNCHES, THE HOSPITALS, JR.'S GANG
(Jasmine Tree) This show features an all-star line up of rock 'n' rollers who have been getting a lot of national attention. The Hunches and the Hospitals will be providing more of the foot-stomping, heatstroke-inducing rhythms that were able to land them both deals from LA's In the Red Records. Junior's Gang mix it up with a raw, raunchy set. JOEL JETT

CUSPIDOR
(Music Millennium, 5 pm) Cuspidor is a gentle, sweet local band, who are two dudes playing acoustic guitar and singing. Though I know there are a billion bands who bill themselves this way, the vocals are really distinct enough so that you'll remember them fondly: it's a sandy sound that's deadpan, enthusiastic, and honest. KD

10¢, ASAHI, THE CULOTTES
(Mississippi Pizza) Asahi are mellow and slow and nostalgic and, since there are six people in the band, the sound is dense and sophisticated. KD

THE DYING CALIFORNIAN, CAJUN GEMS, PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLERS
(Blackbird) Psychological Thrillers is a new band with Pan Tourismos' Brandon Clemmens and Dmitri Kassakapis, and ex-Alkaline Trio/Third & Failing drummer Glenn Porter. Because of Brandon's distinct vocal style (a Ritalin-deficient take on Jonathan Richman or Bruce Springsteen) and awesome guitar, it's certain the new PTs will be similar to the other PT--more of that great, spastic, linear pop. Cajun Gems features members of The Joggers, and Dying Californian is the new, subdued, depressed-ramblings manifestation of West Coast hardcore superstars Nuzzle. JS

BRONWYN, WET CONFETTI, THE STARVE
(Ash St) I think I was prejudiced against Wet Confetti because of their name--I thought they were a hippie band or something. In actuality, they seem to style themselves after The Cure, but throw in a lot of distorted guitar. Bronwyn has two girls and a guy who sing sensitively in a round, but contrast that nicely with sludgy guitar. KS

THE THERMALS, SCIENCE OF YABRA, DANCE IMPERATIVE
(Meow Meow) Thank god for The Thermals. The members' prior projects run the gamut, from folk, to instrumental soft rock, to straight-up American emo; but the result here is a stellar blend of upbeat, playful punk, garage, and dance. Hutch and Kathy have struck gold. And Jordan. Yes, Ben too. JOE FAUSTIN KELLY

COBRA
(Blackbird) Cobra is a fairly confusing, improv trivia game devised by John Zorn, in which a conductor or "prompter" tells a group of musicians what to play by flashing color-coded cards. Before you start running the other way, know that tonight's players include the fabulous: Miss Murgatroid, DJ Arkitek, and unidentified members of Quasi, Yume Bitsu, Hochenkeit, Jackie-O, Dahlia, and others who will make the evening at least interesting, if not listenable and cool. JS

CALVIN JOHNSON
(Pacific Switchboard) Can you imagine the Northwest without the craggy-throated, simple tunes of Calvin Johnson? He is a fixture; love him or not, we'd be in a sorry state without him. This week, he celebrates the release of his album, What Was Me, with a trio of appearances no doubt peppered with weird and funny monologue. JS

HEY MERCEDES, PIEBALD, AUDIO LEARNING CENTER, KOUFAX
(Meow Meow) Hey Mercedes, the remnants of one of the definitive '90s emo bands, Braid, have all the makings of being sincere--the right vocal inflections; the perfectly timed guitar embellishments; the so goddamn studied, melancholy, radio-friendly melodies; tragic lyrics such as "I spent the last three months in mental traction." In theory, everything about them points to their utmost sincerity. Only, when you see them live, it's hard to suppress the urge to call bullshit on it. Hey Mercedes are sincere in the same way my fucking bookie is sincere--slick, and just honest enough to laugh all the way to the bank. JS

CALVIN JOHNSON
(Mississippi, 8 pm; Jackpot on Burnside, 4 pm) See Monday.

POINT LINE PLANE, THE PLANET THE, NICE NICE
(Blackbird) The standoffish, tense mono sweat of Point Line Plane; the creepy touches of The Planet The; the dubby improv of rhythmic androids Nice Nice. Three of Portland's best bands in one night? Next thing you know, they're gonna feed us grapes and give us full-body rubdowns! JS

CAPTAIN VS. CREW, THE NORTH MAGNETIC, TOUGH LOVE & THE BELLA NASTY
(Berbati's) Captain vs. Crew are local lovelies, who succeed because they're not too uptight about what they're doing, and not too concerned about much more than just having a good time, it seems. These guys are pure indie rock, with a little math, a little melody, and a little bit of smarty-pants all mixed together. Similarly enthusiastic are North Magnetic, a Chico-based band who cut their teeth playing in a storage shed right next to the airport. Perhaps playing through the sound of jets taking off is what has endowed them with a sound so intense, layered, and tight. KD

WHITE MICE, SLEETMUTE, DIY KARAOKE!
(Fast Forward, 9 pm sharp) If you've ever wanted to sing along to your favorite Crass song in front of a group of people, bring it along in CD form to Fast Forward, cause the folks setting up this show have rented a karaoke machine. 'Course, you can always use their booklet--the possibilities for basement punk versions of "Ghostbusters" or "Islands in the Stream" are endless. JS

GIANT BUG VILLAGE, STAN MCMAHON BAND, DAVE HARDING, THE BALLOON ANIMALS
(White Eagle) Giant Bug Village is a Guided By Voices cover band, although they have some material of their own. Rather than going the cartoonish route of tribute bands, GBV have won respect as musicians and artists in their own right. The two bands also hang out with each other. The association has spawned a number of widely bantered rumors surrounding Bob Pollard and his doppelganger, Stan McMahon, involving everything from restraining orders to home wrecking. Whatever the case, they deliver cool songs with good musicianship. MS

Wed 7/24: Mission of Burma (EMP)

For more info, visit www.thestranger.com

New Releases July 23: Autechre, Joe Pass*, Spoon, George Van Eps* *=guitar geeks go woo!