So here's to Oregon's Baby New Year; just like Burt Reynolds, you're #1!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 2
Today, Mayor Vera Katz and Police Chief Mark Kroeker took a tour of shops that were vandalized during a New Year's celebration that got out of hand in Pioneer Square. And while most shop owners were polite and kept a cool head about the ordeal, the management of Byrne's Luggage turned out to be real jerks. According to separate stories in the Oregonian, Becky Flint, the manager of the store, indirectly blamed city Commissioner Charlie Hales for the melee. After witnessing three skateboarders busting windows on TV news videotape, Flint told the press that her first reaction was "Thanks, Charlie Hales. Thanks." (Hales has openly and rightly promoted opening downtown streets to skateboarders.) Meanwhile, the luggage store owner, Trixie Byrne, chastised Mayor Katz directly, accusing her of being "too liberal" and advising her to "take the handcuffs off the police and put them on the bad guys." Now, while One Day truly sympathizes with the businesses that were vandalized, to the folks at Byrne's Luggage we'd like to say, "HA! HA! HA! IT SERVES YOU RIGHT!" Being a "downtown business" doesn't give anyone the special privilege to act like an asshole. Face it, sugar: Occasional chaos and civic disturbances are natural occurrences and are usually the result of one sector of society stepping on the fingers of another. (Psst! That's you doing the stepping.) Besides, taxpayers have better things to do than financing 24-hour protection for you and your shitty Samsonite. So there. Nyaah.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3
Today our local chapter of the Sierra Club stepped forward to crusade against the pollution of the waterways around town. Filing papers in federal court, the environmentalists informed Oregon Fresh Farms, a supplier of carrots for Fred Meyer, that they intended to sue for violating the Clean Water Act. For years, claims the Sierra Club, Oregon Fresh Farms have dumped waste and byproducts from their carrot processing plant into the Columbia Slough. In fact, so much orange pulpy waste has been discharged into the river that it has formed a small landmass known to local EPA workers as "Carrot Island." The Sierra Club is trying to force Oregon Fresh Farms to remove Carrot Island, but (surprise!) One Day has a better idea. This island provides an excellent opportunity to solve another problem dogging our city--the overabundance of hippie vegans! By moving all the hippies onto Carrot Island and turning it into a vegan penal colony, they could eat and drum and stink and live in harmony forever. See?? It's a perfect idea! It would be like Cheech and Chong, except in Escape from New York!
THURSDAY, JANUARY 4
Here's a story that might turn one against the practice of obtaining mail-order brides. Indle King Jr. has been charged with first-degree murder in Everett, Washington for allegedly strangling his mail-order bride, Anastasia Soloveva King--because he wanted to order a new one. A former lodger in King's home told police that King had confessed to strangling her with a necktie, wrapping her in a dog's blanket, and burying her in a shallow grave. Another New Year off to a bright and shining start.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 5
We've all been there. You're asked to give the toast/speech/closing arguments/eulogy. You're ready. You're prepared. You're psyched. You stand up and all that comes out is epileptic yammering. Maybe if we spent more time practicing public speaking--say, reading to dogs--we'd be more comfortable at the pulpit. And what do you know, the Capitol Hill Branch Library has instituted just such a "Read to the Dogs" program. Readers will be allowed to read to dogs on Saturdays from January 13 through February 17, between 10 a.m. and noon. Dogs have been "trained and selected for their listening skills." Readers must be allergy and flea-free. This has been a public service message brought to you by your local adult literacy program. Sit, Spot. Stay.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 6
As we're sure you all know, the governors of Washington and Oregon issued a plea today asking residents to reduce their power use by 10 percent. Kennedyesque public servant that we are, One Day has devised some simple conservation steps that you can take to meet this goal. Pleasethank us later. Avoid using electricity between the peak hours of 12:00 AM and 11:59 PM. Use appliances, such as vibrators and curling irons, one at a time, instead of running both at once. Grow your pot outdoors instead of using costly hydroponic lights. Take amphetamines such as crystal or crank as these speed up the metabolism, making one less sensitive to dangerously cold temperatures. If you see a Tauntaun from the ice planet Hoth, slit its stomach open and crawl inside for warmth.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 7
First John Ashcroft, and now, in yet another frightening development for atheists, The New York Times has reported that the Episcopalians have joined forces with the Lutherans. The agreement will allow the new combined membership of 7.7 million people to share clergy members, churches and missionary work. Satellite photos indicate thousands of Lutherans on horseback practicing attack formations over the frozen tundra of northern Minnesota. A Lutheran spokesman claimed they are simply practicing for a local Martin Luther King Day parade. However, several Episcopalians were spotted in the area wearing caps stitched with the slogan: "Kick Catholic Ass." We're sure it's nothing, but you might want to hide, just in case.