TUESDAY, JULY 3
Speaking of crimes against humanity, we have more news about the mad hugger! Last week we reported that our good friend Susan had been squeezed like a roll of Charmin by a half-cracked and aggressively sociable woman named Tina. Since then, letters, telegrams, and emails have poured in from frightened Portlanders. One reader reports that she was a victim of Tina as far back as a few months ago. The incident occurred on 5th Avenue outside of the Pioneer Courthouse. Tina approached the victim, made verbal contact, then hugged her and would not release, despite the victim's flailing. Tina even asked the victim repeatedly to come home with her. How long has Tina been on the loose? Why has the city not yet taken action? Are you in any danger? Write your representative! Demand a citywide curfew! Stop, drop, and roll! And remember, no one has the right to touch you in your bathing suit area.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 4
To celebrate our country's birth today, One Day lit two hundred twenty-five Roman candles, and sat down and shuddered after listening to our president. The following is a verbatim excerpt from a George W. Bush speech given today at the Jefferson Memorial: "Well, it's an unimaginable honor to be the president during the Fourth of July of this country. It means what these words say, for starters. The great inalienable right of our country. We're blessed with such values in America. And I--it's--I'm a proud man to be the nation based upon such wonderful values." In other news, business came to a halt as the nation spent today in quiet contemplation of the American paradox.
THURSDAY, JULY 5
You can stop worrying about Benicio Del Toro's financial solvency (can't you just love him for his soul, and not his laserdisc collection?). His potential unemployment was averted today when it was reported that Hollywood actors and studios have reached a tentative new contract, averting the threat of an actors' strike. Benicio's career will not be interrupted! Whew and double ph-whew! The three-year contract increases the minimum rates that actors are paid for speaking roles. Sadly, though, the contract came one day too late. A mere twenty-four hours before the final contract was hammered out, Robert Iler, the 16-year-old actor who plays A.J. Soprano, on The Sopranos, was arrested in New York City for stealing $40 and a gold chain from two teenage victims on the Upper Eastside. Earning only a paltry quarter-million a year, he reportedly needed the money to buy bread for his aging, puppeteer father.
FRIDAY, JULY 6
One Day wishes to extend a happy fifty-five today to George W. Bush on his birthday. And how did our revered leader celebrate? After a rousing game of golf, Bush took the opportunity to ratchet up his cold war against abortion rights, pushing a new policy that would allow states to define "an unborn child" as a person eligible for medical coverage under the Children's Health Insurance Program (although this medical care coverage will end at birth). Fetuses (feti?) are only one of several items that Bush hopes to declare "unborn children" and provide with additional federal protections. Also listed were Pottery Barn lamps, Leonard Maltin, ten-sided die, Leinenkugel's beer cans, the Monty Python VHS box set, staplers, eyeglass screwdrivers, the soundtrack from Fiddler on the Roof (the original motion picture), dry erase boards, Jay & Silent Bob action figures, water pipes, green highlighter pens, cups of all sorts, John Waters movies, Wells Fargo Bank, cinnamon disc candies, Dave Eggers, SoBe Energy Citrus Flavored Beverage, black semi fine point uni-ball pens, Baptists, and France. It will be a sad day in this country when we have to dispose of our uni-balls in a back alley.
SATURDAY, JULY 7
The New York Times reported today that a company called Transgenic Pet in Syracuse, New York is close to producing a genetically modified cat. Developed through cloning and genetic manipulation, the kitties will be engineered to be non-allergenic to humans, thereby allowing even the most cat-sensitive person the basic right of petting pussy without fear of dander. Transgenic Pet is expecting to offer the rich their first litter in 2003. Now, if they could just find a way to makes cats fetch, bark, and wiggle with delight when we got home; then we might be interested.
SUNDAY, JULY 8
In no great shock to anyone, Representative Gary Condit has finally admitted to investigators that he had a romantic relationship with intern du jour Chandra Levy. Chandra, age 24, disappeared without a trace in late April. DC police have not turned up any clues to her whereabouts, but said in a press conference today that they suspect either foul play or that she has amnesia and is aimlessly walking the DC streets. Chandra's sensible, curly-haired family has repeatedly pleaded with Condit to admit the affair, but until recently he has lied through his teeth, proving what a spineless self-absorbed toad he really is. Doesn't anyone watch Quincy? She got pregnant, and he murdered her. It-is-so-obvious. Despite this, Condit, incredibly, is not a suspect, as the DC police maintain that it was Colonel Mustard in the parlor with a rope. Meanwhile interns in our nation's capital are considering organizing a union to demand that the government cover condom and dry-cleaning costs. They also want to put a stop to the "routine gynecological exams" currently required by The House, and carried out by Trent Lott. Hey, we just report the news. We're not responsible for any damaging visual images you might have while reading it.