America's favorite clones, Jenna and Barbara Bush, have been whooping it up again! According to the New York Post, the likker-lovin' twin daughters of George W. were spotted at two wild parties last week--first at a spirited bash at the Beverly Hills Niketown (!!), and the following night at a party for American Pie 2 star Jason Biggs. Sources say the latter party was "pot-clouded," attended by female strippers, and the twins were clearly enjoying the attentions of dreamy hunk Jared Leto. The secret service men sat outside in the car. In other clone news, Italian doctor Severino Antinori told a room full of stuffy scientists to cram it, and vowed to continue his work toward providing cloned babies for human couples. Though many scientists are concerned that the process will create "severe abnormalities," Antinori's partner and Kentucky fertility specialist (who certainly doesn't sound like he's from Kentucky), Panos Zavos, claimed they would "pre-screen for genetic abnormalities," and make parents sign "a consent form." A consent form? We're convinced! It's comforting to know they won't get sued. Want more cloning news? We've got more cloning news! Director George Lucas threw his hat into the cloning ring today when he announced the title of the next chapter in his Star Wars saga, and it is Episode II: Attack of the Clones. (And we swear we aren't joking.) After hearing the announcement, President Bush immediately issued a statement denouncing Lucas' use of clones for attack purposes. "You can't control them clones!" he yelled. "Just look at Jenna and Barbara!!"
TUESDAY, AUGUST 7
Today, a panel of health and media experts wagged their collective fingers at the media for the way they "romanticize" the heroic concept of suicide. According to the panel, the way reporters cover the often cool ways celebrities kill themselves can sometimes lead to even cooler "copycat deaths" from civilians. One Day heartily agrees with the panel, and would like to add that while suicide is extremely glamorous and a great way of getting attention, it will ultimately only result in a severe drop in our readership--and that would really make us sad. So cheer up, Grumpy Gus! Turn that frown upside-down! Get high on life! And if you simply must bump yourself off, remember to send us the suicide note first. We've been experiencing some slow news days.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 8
A big brush fire swept up a high bluff in North Portland today, and it was really annoying. One Day's house is in this neighborhood, and as soon as we heard sirens, we immediately slipped into our gold Dolce & Gabbana two-piece swimsuit, mixed a drink, and struck an appropriate pose in our front yard that would surely attract any approaching firemen. (Hubby Kip was working late at the dentist's office.) It would appear that luck should've been on our side, since 170 of Portland's hottest hotties showed up on the scene--however, they all seemed to have more important things to do on the other side of the street. At one point, our "yoo-hoo's" were able to garner the attention of one slab of beef--but our flirtatious tête à tête was rudely interrupted by an asshole neighbor screaming for a bucket. In less than an hour the danger had passed, and so had the firemen but not before our smudgy neighbors had grabbed all the attention. Pooh. It's enough to make a girl move to Gresham. (See Saturday.)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 9
In his continuing effort to become a James Bond-style supervillain, Marion "Suge" Knight has been released from prison, and is already vowing to take vengeance against those who were disloyal to him. Suge, who is the chief of Death Row Records, and has been linked to the 1997 death of the Notorious B.I.G., had been serving part of a nine-year sentence in the Mule Creek State Prison in Ione, CA for violating parole on an assault charge. Now, only days after his release, he is back at Death Row and talking some serious shit about his main rivals Sean "P. Diddy" Combs and Snoop Dogg. "Puffy is a punk," Suge said to the London Observer, exhibiting his firm grasp on the obvious. "He's not ghetto, and he's never been a gangster." He then added, "Snoop has a lot to learn about loyalty--now he's going around talking [bleep but we'll assume he said "shit"] about me. Soon it'll be like the Wild West all over again. I got plenty of scores to settle." After being informed that rap music is no longer about rivalry, and more about diversification of stock options, Suge announced he'll be forgoing music to concentrate on his "Suge Knight No-Fat Grill," threatening, "My grill can kick George Foreman's ass!"
FRIDAY, AUGUST 10
Can anyone stop watching the new CNN Headline News? The new multi-screen, web page-like format, the pop-infused background music, the dizzying moving graphics--it's as if they cut up cadaver brains and discovered what exactly humans require in an information source. And how about that pretty-yet-sensible-actress-turned-newsreader from "NYPD Blue," Andrea Thompson. Doesn't she just exude confidence? Don't those of you between 25 and 54 want to watch her read the news more than anything? Isn't Andrea Thompson the best news actress ever? This is the most excellent thing that has ever happened in America.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 11
Today we were fucked silly by U-Haul. Here's the thing. We had to move (see Wednesday if you need a reason) so we called U-Haul and asked for a 24-foot truck. But since we are a very careful person, we called U-Haul to confirm and they said, "We may not have a 24 foot truck, but we will definitely, absolutely, without a doubt have a 26-foot truck." So today we show up at the U-Haul and said, "Hi! We're here for our 24-foot truck!" and they said, "We don't have a 24-foot truck!" and we said, "That's okay! We'll take a 26-foot truck!" and they said "We don't have a 26-foot truck!" and we said, "What do you have?" And they said, "We have a 17-foot truck and a trailer!" And we said, "What about our reservation?" And they said, "We have a 17-foot truck and a trailer!" So we had to take a 17-foot truck and a trailer which turned out to be VERY dangerous because our friend Barb tripped on the trailer hitch and almost broke her leg. THE MORAL: If you care about Barb at all, only rent from Ryder.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 12
Did everyone see CNN Headline News today? It was so good! Andrea Thompson did this thing where she turned her head slightly to her co-anchor, the ridiculous Miles O'Brien, and she sort of half-smiled. It was SO fantastic! They are really getting good. We love how sometimes when they're between stories they sort of banter. Or how when they send the story to a correspondent they'll make a little joke and then Andrea's eyes will sort of sparkle and she'll do that thing where she flips through the papers on her desk. If you ask us, she was wasted on NYPD Blue. Not that Miles O'Brien couldn't be better. He's so rectangular. She needs someone more complex, more smoldering, more like John Cusack. Less Irish.