One Day at a Time 

The Week in Review

MONDAY, DECEMBER 3 Today was like Christmas morning for the geeks after inventor Dean Kamen finally announced the ultra-secret "life-altering invention" he has been diligently working on for the past year. According to Bob Metcalf, a computer engineer who was given a sneak peek, the invention "is more important than pantyhose and more important than the internet." Metcalf also stated that on a scale from one to 10--one being boring, and 10 being "hit-the-ceiling-and-slap-your-grandmother-silly"--he would rank Kamen's invention "in the high nines." Wow! That could be any number of things. A time machine? A cure for cancer? A device that would let you kill stupid people without anyone ever finding out? Nope, it's none of those, but according to Kamen it's much, much better! As it turns out, the invention we've all been waiting for is (dramatic pause) a stupid new scooter! Known as the "Human Transporter," the stupid new scooter is self-balancing, electric, goes 12-17 mph, and is controlled by distribution of body weight. And yep, that's about it. Thanks Kamen, for developing a new revolutionary way for teenagers to attack old people. And while we're sure Kamen's stupid new scooter will be useful to somebody, it comes no where near topping the greatest invention of this or any other century--the O.B. tampon multi-pack (six regular, nine super, five super-plus). Are we right, ladies? Are we right?

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4 Boy! Somebody's going to be in trouble when they get home! Today The New York Times revealed an inside peek at the life of the American man who was caught fighting on the side of the Taliban. As the author of the article, Evelyn Nieves put it: "John Walker Lindh's parents knew he was a different sort of boy. When others his age were filling their heads with football and fast cars, John was holed up in his room studying thick treatises on world religions." John, also known to readers of the New York Post as "traitor," "turncoat," or simply "rat," was encouraged by his parents at an early age to choose his own spiritual path. John's father recalled that at age 16, the boy took a great liking to The Autobiography of Malcolm X, and converted to Islam. After being "unaccepted" as a Muslim in Marin County, California, he convinced his father to send him to an Islamic school in Yemen. The last his parents heard from him was via e-mail, in which he told his folks he was studying religion in Pakistan, but was planning on "moving somewhere cooler for the summer." Apparently, his new living situation was decidedly cooler--especially after US forces dumped freezing water into the bunker in which he and 80 other Taliban members were hiding last weekend. There has been no word on what John's punishment might be, but one can almost picture Bush and Ashcroft rubbing their hands in glee. Trust us, you wouldn't want to be in his burqa.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5 If he can still hear us, let's wish a rousing "Happy birthday" to the longest living member of the Senate, Strom Thurmond--a spry 99 years young today! First elected to the Senate in 1954, this South Carolina native has had plenty of time to get into trouble. A staunch proponent of nuclear power (calling it "cleanest, cheapest, safest") and the war in Vietnam, Thurmond was just as narrow-minded on the subject of abortion and segregation. In fact, in the early '50s, he wrote the so-called "Southern Manifesto," which argued that Civil Rights were "unconstitutional" and part of a "communist-inspired subversion of America." But time marches on, and while the Senator may be too old to change his adult diapers, he still can feign sexual interest in the ladies. Speaking to his colleagues today on the Senate floor, he announced, "I love all you men, but you women even more. I appreciate every one of you, especially you ladies. You are good looking. God bless you." Whoo! Is it getting hot in here or is it just him?

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 6 Are you currently engaging in an email war with a co-worker or family member? Then learn from the following tale reported by the New York Post involving an epic e-mail battle between two hotshot TV writers. These guys really know how to fight! According to the story, That '70s Show creator Mark Brazill has had a longstanding hatred for Judd Apatow, creator of Undeclared as well as Freaks and Geeks. So when Apatow asked if he could use one of the '70s actors on his show, Brazill hit the roof. He accused Apatow (via e-mail) of making "a career out of being a sycophant to Jim Carrey or Garry Shandling or Roseanne and when you weren't kissing ass, you were stealing other people's ideas." And as a nice postscript, Brazill asked Apatow to "Get cancer." Ouch! Apatow then tried to make amends (in his annoying sycophantic way) by answering, "I wish you had called me about this years ago. I'm sure we could have worked it out. Try not to be so angry." Brazill, however, was having none of that. He responded, "We'll never be 'friends,' regardless of the fucking whining from your last email. I respect you zero. See ya at the upfronts, bitch! Until then, die in a fiery accident and taste your own blood. (Is that too angry?)" Wow!! Of course, now that this battle has made the papers, Brazill is all kissy-smoochy with Apatow. But what have we learned today? Always end an email argument with "get cancer" or wishing death upon your foe via fiery automobile accident. Class dismissed, and see ya at the upfronts, bitch!

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7 Do you like to eat roadkill? Well, you're not alone! According to The Oregonian, the manager of the Prineville 7-11 and his wife are currently gathering signatures to get a measure on the ballot that would make it legal to eat deer and squirrels and such that would otherwise rot at the side of the highway. Not old roadkill, of course. Only fresh, just killed roadkill. Apparently, you just cut off the bruised part, tenderize and go. And why not? Why let that meat go to waste? Those animals are dead, aren't they? There are hungry people in the world, aren't there? It's perfect for people who wouldn't mind a slab or two of buck thigh if all the gravel has been picked out and it's been flavored with a little tarragon. What about the poor? Or people who just like eating cats, which can be somewhat hard to catch? Not that WE like to eat cats. Cat meat is nasty. Except in tacos.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8 The Oregonian reported today that the Portland police arrested three people Friday in connection with a large identity-theft ring that investigators said was one of the most sophisticated they had ever seen. Personally, our identity was misplaced ages ago, about two weeks into college. But if you think your identity may have been tampered with (symptoms include an unexplained personality crisis, feeling "out of touch" with yourself, listless, or alienated) contact the Portland police department and they will keep their eyes open.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9 According to The Washington Post, al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden might be behind the attacks on the World Trade Center!!! The Post reported today that U.S. officials have obtained a videotape in which bin Laden describes the damage around the fallen twin towers in New York as greater than expected and praises Allah for greater success than anticipated. He then rubs his hands together, cackles maniacally, and mutters "Eeeeeexcellent" The tape was said to have been found in a private home in Jalalabad, Afghanistan, and Bush administration officials are now debating whether and how to make it public, citing concerns about international laws against video piracy. The videotape makes it "very clear that bin Laden not only had advanced knowledge, but is proof he was responsible for planning," one senior official who had seen a transcript of the tape told the Post. "But apparently there is some law against copying videotape without the copyright owner's expressed permission, and we don't want to get the Bureau on our asses." The administration hopes to find bin Laden soon so that they can get a signed release.

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