MONDAY, JANUARY 21
We interrupt this column for a special One Day at a Time NewsBreak! According to the Associated Press, the Chiquita Processed Food Company of Payette, Idaho is recalling 6,200 cans of soup that have been mislabeled as cans of beans. Consumers are asked to stay alert for the 15.5-ounce cans of "S&W Garbanzo Beans," because many of them may contain 14.5 ounces of "Wolfgang Puck's Chicken Parmesan with Pasta Hearty Soup." If you accidentally consume Wolfgang Puck's soup, do not be alarmed if it doesn't taste like beans. It's soup and it's supposed to taste like that. On the other hand, if you open a can of Wolfgang Puck's soup and it tastes like beans, then you probably shouldn't be surprised either, because canned soup never tastes as good as you think. Especially Wolfgang Puck's soup. We mean, it's not bad or anything it's just that since it's got Wolfgang Puck's name on it, you'd think it would be better than it is. Are we wrong? Anyway, this has been a special One Day at a Time NewsBreak! We now return you to our regular column.

and just who exactly does James Woods think he is, anyway? Sure, he was nominated for an Oscar for his role in Ghosts of Mississippi, but does that mean it's okay to be a conservative, woman-hating racist? So he's in this interview with entertainment reporter Sam Rubin of KTLA television, and he starts going off on terrorism, calling people from the Middle East "diaper heads." Then he says, "If I had evidence that any single country was supporting one ounce of terrorism, I would say wipe them off the face of the earth. There's only one thing you get from eating a bowl of shit, that's a bigger bowl of it the second time around, okay?" Oh, yeah? Well, listen Mr. James Woods! Maybe you are the big bowl of shit, okay?? Or beans. Or soup! Oh, we don't know! He just makes us so MAD!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 22
And speaking of patriotism going awry, a man from Queens, NY has been charged with cutting off and freezing the head of an Afghan-born filmmaker after being "stressed out" by the September 11 attack. According to the lawyer representing Nathan C. Powell, the filmmaker (Jawed Wassel) had made some comments blaming the US for instigating the acts of terrorism. This incensed Powell, who was already angry about a previous spat in which the men argued over profit-sharing for a film they had been working on. Powell then claims Wassel reached for a nearby machete (!??!), and was only acting in self-defense when he whacked off Wassel's head and stuck it in his freezer. Obviously sensing this defense was a bit on the shaky side, Powell's lawyer then claimed that his client was schizophrenic and suffered from "post-traumatic stress disorder," after witnessing the attack on the World Trade Center. Now, before you poo-poo the effects of what "post-traumatic stress" can do to a person, take a good look at the Mercury's "Letters to the Editor" column (pg. 3). All we're saying is, it's a good thing machetes aren't as easy to use as email.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23
In case it's been keeping you up at night, we're ready to put another juicy Britney Spears rumor to rest once and for all! Plugging her new movie, Crossroads, and her latest single, "Overprotected," the crown princess of post-pubescent pop was interviewed on British TV and asked about the rumored cyber-romance between herself and royal hottie Prince William. According to Spears, the two had indeed conversed several times via e-mail, and had actually even set up a date! Unfortunately, what could have been the canoodle of the century was kiboshed when Prince Willy stood her up to go "fox hunting." God. Don't you just hate men sometimes? We mean, sure, she landed Justin Timberlake because of it but c'mon! "FOX HUNTING"? Well Britney, don't you worry about a thing. You know what they say about inbred royal dope smokers with big ears, don't you? They have extremely small

We interrupt this report for a special One Day at a Time NewsBreak! According to the Associated Press, Edy's Grand Ice Cream has recalled 5,000 cartons of their Girl Scouts Samoas Cookie Ice Cream because they may contain peanuts and egg. Consumers should note that the ice cream's ingredient label says nothing about the product containing peanuts or egg. This could cause severe difficulties for those who have aversions to either the peanut, or the egg. So. Just thought you might like to know. Especially if you don't like peanuts. Or egg. We now return you to One Day at a Time, already in progress.

penises.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 24
Okay, this is definitely the weirdest story of the week, so bear with us on this one. Last January, two giant Presa Canario attack dogs horribly mauled a woman to death in an upscale San Francisco neighborhood (wait it gets weirder). Today, the owners of those dogs went on trial for their responsibility in the death, and are also being accused by the prosecution of having sex with their animals, as well as adopting a white supremacist prison inmate as their son. The married couple, Marjorie Knoller and Robert Noel, are denying the charges, but prosecutors maintain that the dog had been trained to engage in sex, and that the murdered victim's "scent" had set the animal off. According to statements made after the attack, Knoller allegedly said her dog treated the victim "like a bitch in heat." Prosecutors also intend to introduce evidence that would link Knoller and Noel to Paul "Cornfed" Schneider, a 39-year-old prison inmate, member of the Aryan Brotherhood, and their adopted son. According to Stan Goldman, a law professor at Loyola Marymount, "If the prosecution can get the jury to believe that these people were a couple of bestial Nazis who have pictures of Hitler doing it with his Great Dane on their walls well, this case is over." Oy. Where's a good ice cream or soup recall story when you need it?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 25
Is that a TANK? Are we under ATTACK? If you were one of the people who called 9-1-1 on January 15, when explosions that were part of the filming of The Hunted coincided with actual fighter jets scrambling over Portland, then you probably peed your pants today. "HOLY FUCKING SHIT," you probably said to yourself. You probably then gathered up all your Kate Spade pumps and crouched slowly to the basement laundry room where you cowered crying until your husband came down to put a load of lights in and explained that Everything Was Perfectly All Right. No, those tanks weren't full of Taliban fighters, they were just being used as part of the filming of The Hunted. Aren't they DONE with this thing yet? How long does it take to make a movie? A DECADE? The whole episode makes me want to whack off Benicio Del Toro's head and store it in my freezer I mean I'm sorry, I guess I'm a little stressed out.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 26
Today the Oregonian reported the apparent suicide of an ex-Enron official. He was on the brink of being subpoenaed. But he WASN'T murdered. He shot himself in the head. It was suicide. No one's trying to cover it up. He was just SAD. He didn't have important testimony that would have shed light on Enron and the government and maybe the Mormons. He just felt BAD. There is no evidence he was assassinated. None whatsoever.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 27
According to The New York Times, it turns out that scientists are questioning whether it is prudent to carry out plans to bury 77,000 tons of nuclear waste in Yucca Mountain in Nevada. The scientists' main concerns surround the fact that the 77,000 tons of nuclear waste will be highly radioactive for more than 10,000 years. That's a long time, even to scientists. This gets them thinking about things like, "gaps in data and basic understanding" of how the volcanic rock and hydrology will perform over thousands of years. Not to mention how far Vegas will sprawl. There is also some concern about the long-term durability of the man-made vessels in which the radioactive goop will be stored. If we've learned anything from Hanford, it's, "don't store radioactive goop in Adidas shoeboxes." Hey! Maybe they can use some of those recalled soup cans!