TUESDAY, MAY 14
"2002 will be the year of the clones!" Nope, that's not a quote from that guy who works in the office mailroom and dresses up like Darth Vader every Halloween. It was actually said by scientist Panayiotis Zavos, who claims he can clone a human baby this year--that is, if the persnickity government will clear the way. Zavos, a fertility expert from Lexington, Kentucky, basically warned a House of Representatives subcommittee that he's going to make a clone, whether anyone likes it or not, so why not make it easier for him? "This is not the time to panic and turn back the clock," Zavos said in reference to President Bush's proposed ban on cloning. "The genie is already out of the bottle. If you are concerned about the risks, the proper approach is to fund it and then institute regulations that will ensure human cloning is done properly." And while many members of the subcommittee were curious as to what the "proper" procedure for making a human clone would be, everyone was afraid to ask Zavos for fear he would say "whacking off into a Dixie cup and cooking it for 20 minutes in an Easy-Bake Oven."
WEDNESDAY, MAY 15
Another bad day in a continuing series for President Bush: The CBS Evening News reported today, that a daily intelligence briefing given to the Prez before September 11 warned of a potential attack "by Osama bin Laden" which could "involve the hijacking of a U.S. aircraft."
And today's New York Times reported that several months before the attack, a FBI agent had learned of Middle Eastern men who had enrolled in U.S. flight schools and "urged the bureau to investigate."
The good news is that this situation presented a perfect opportunity for National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice to step up and defend the President in front of the nation (and we think she's kind of sexy). "You would have risked shutting down the American civil aviation system with such generalized information," she said with a tough authority that kind of turns us on. And though Ms. Rice put up a spirited defense and looked totally hot in that soccer mom Ann Taylor suit, no one believed a word of it, and it's time for America to face the truth that's been ignored for too long. The President didn't ignore the threat--he just never learned to read.
THURSDAY, MAY 16
Four-eyed geeks rejoiced today at the opening of George Lucas' latest abortion, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Okay, maybe "abortion" is a bit too strong, but c'mon! Those "romantic scenes" between Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman? Please. Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley produced more sparks. Regardless, who are we to spoil the fun of the nerds some of whom already had their fun spoiled by Star Wars-hating bullies! Jason Young and Bryan Anderson from Orem, Utah reported being accosted by thugs and passing motorists while waiting in line for tickets for Attack of the Clones. The young men, who have been sitting in tents since April 26, claim that "six guys came by and threw water balloons at us" and "shook their tent" while they were sleeping. According to the victims, they did nothing to instigate the ire of these ruffians, they were merely sitting in their tents stocked with sleeping bags, Doritos, TV, VCR, and X-Box. In fact, if these young fans are guilty of anything, it's loving Star Wars too much. Young's pregnant wife is due to give birth any minute, and the couple has already decided to name their baby Anakin if it's a boy, and Miriya Padme if it's a girl. Okay is there a sign-up sheet or do we have to wait in line to beat these geeks up?
FRIDAY, MAY 17
President Bush insisted today, that he didn't ignore warning signs about the Sept. 11 attacks, and said that the media were all a bunch of hysterical flounders. The President was on the defensive after being criticized for not warning the American public of pre-September 11 terrorist network rumblings, especially those referring to easy-to-read words like "airplanes," "hijackings," and "Osama bin Laden." Did the President know that al-Qaida was planning on crashing airplanes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon and callously NOT warn Americans out of some fiendish bitterness over the election or some other slight? According to some Senate Democrats: Maybe. Though wouldn't he have wanted to save all those Pentagon Republicans? We're no GOP-booster, but we think it's probably safe to conclude that the President probably did NOT know that all those people were going to die horribly. It's not like the administration should tell us every time that intelligence indicates that there MIGHT be another terrorist attack at SOME point in the future. That would look like they were trying to just to cover their ass in case something does happen. And THAT would be irresponsible and foolish.
SATURDAY, MAY 18
Today, the administration warned America that they have intelligence that indicates that there MIGHT be another terrorist attack at SOME point in the future. They also want you to know that you MIGHT get shot in the head by a government assassin or die in a Vespa crash on the way to Music Millennium.
SUNDAY, MAY 19
Those bastards at Coca-Cola have screwed over the po' folk again. According to today's New York Times, Coke fat cats ordered workers to salvage all the old, date-expired, unsold, nasty Coke from predominantly white areas and truck it over to the poorest neighborhoods where the shoppers are seen as less "discriminating." Coke muckety-mucks deny the tomfoolery though scores of Coke employees confirm the shenanigans. Old Coke isn't necessarily unhealthy. According to the New York Times Coke "can be old enough to grow mold without causing any acute illnesses." Having said that, old Coke tastes like dirty aquarium water, a sensation that may induce vomiting. That's why we buy all our coke in Lake Oswego. Uh, Coke.
Send your used coke cans to firstname.lastname@example.org