Week in Review 

MONDAY, MAY 27 Ever wonder why people suddenly "up and go" homosexual? It's because Cher made them that way! According to a new memoir by Chastity Bono, the daughter of the famous gay icon went gay herself after "her absentee mom left her in the care of an older lesbian." Titled The End of Innocence (oh, puh-leeeze!) the book describes her first sexual experience with Joan, an older woman and pal of Cher who umm cracked open the walnut, so to speak. "I teased her until I could no longer stand it," Bono wrote breathlessly. "[Joan] whispered to me the sexiest words I've ever been told [After that] she ran her tongue down my belly it took my breath away." Want to hear more? Of course you do. "I was surprised by what a great lover she was," Bono wrote, with her heart beating inside her breast like a jackhammer. "Smelling good from head to toe, she was trimmed and shaved I definitely wanted to go there again and again." Ewwww!!! Okay, okay, that's enough! Not that we have anything against lesbian sex (we graduated from Reed, after all), but anybody who's ever shaved "the lair down there" knows that it's fun for the first day, and then afterwards? It's like wearing a porcupine maxi-pad. Jesus! Didn't Cher teach her anything?

TUESDAY, MAY 28 Today was "Can someone please lend me a towel so I can wipe some of this egg off my face" Day for FBI Director Robert Mueller, who has been accused of bungling investigations that could've prevented the events of September 11. Ever since a letter sent by a Minnesota FBI agent to her superiors was leaked to the press about the bureau's ineptitude, Mueller has been more defensive than an Enron executive with his hand caught in a shredder. And while Mueller spent much of his day tugging on his shirt collar and sweating in front of a senate panel, we only have one question: Why isn't anyone investigating Frank Cassano? As we're sure you all know, Frank's column (which has been appearing with frightening regularity on this page) is fucking disgusting. And yet, for some reason (according to the Mercury's higher ups), he cannot be fired! Frankly, we don't give a shit about the politics of this paper--we turn in our column, get a quickie pedicure across the street, and dash home to read magazines--but in case no one has noticed, Frank Cassano's column space has been getting bigger and bigger, and if his rude-mouthed Manifest Destiny doesn't cease, our little One Day column will soon be forced off the page and moved probably alongside the escort ads in the back! So for the love of god, please write the editor of this paper (lovenotes@portlandmercury.com) and tell him you want that dog-faced idiot off my page--and STAT!

WEDNESDAY, MAY 29 Today public health activists came out with the shocking news that if you tell teenagers to do one thing often times they will do the exact opposite! According to the American Journal of Public Health, the "Think. Don't Smoke" ads sponsored by the Philip Morris company "seem to appeal to the contrary nature of many teens," and "distinctly counter" findings that show teens will often do the opposite of whatever you say. And while the researchers didn't draw the following analogy, we think it's an appropriate one: It's like Superman's "Bizarro World." That's the planet in the Superman comics where everything is similar to earth, except they do everything backwards. Bizarro Superman doesn't like Bizarro Lois, he flies in reverse, and says things like, "Ugh! Me hate hotdogs!" So what we interpret the American Journal of Public Health to be saying is that if you want teens not to smoke, you should run ads that say, "Yum! Me love cigarettes!" Who knows? Maybe they could add a cartoon camel as well.

THURSDAY, MAY 30 Bubbles. Lemon. Caffeine. Corn syrup. What could make water even BETTER? A tequila worm? Chocolate chips? NO! Nicotine! Wish you'd thought of it? Well, you're too late. According to The New York Times, a company called Quick Test 5 has beat you to it and is planning on hocking the stuff (aptly dubbed "Nico Water") starting sometime in June. Can they DO THAT? Apparently, yes. Though the FDA has put the kibosh on nicotine lollipops and nicotine lip balm, Nico Water is being marketed as a "dietary supplement" and those of you who have passed through the health food pill aisle at Fred Meyer know that "dietary supplement" is code for "this is probably more harmful than it looks, but the Feds can't touch us." Plus, Quick Test 5 has been careful to explain that Nico Water is actually meant to help people STOP smoking, providing a healthy alternative to cigarettes. Are they not GENIUS? Nico Water. We LOVE it. We are going to drink a 12-pack a day.

FRIDAY, MAY 31 We were delighted to learn today that our favorite channel, E!, has signed our favorite arm-hair-raising, celebrity obsessed bottle-blonde (after Courtney Love) to star in her very own reality TV show! Yes, we are referring to none other than Anna Nicole Smith. Aptly dubbed "The Anna Nicole Smith Show," Ms. Smith's magnum opus will undoubtedly be the best show on television. Scuttlebutt is that Anna Nicole is going to find an old rich geezer, marry him, and slowly poison him by sweeps week. (Note to Anna Nicole: Feed him Nico Water, his heart will never take it!)

SATURDAY, JUNE 1 This just in from the Associated Press: According to an assessment by the Environmental Protection Agency, chemicals pose an elevated cancer risk to two-thirds of Americans living in nearly every part of the country. A study of health risks from 32 toxic chemicals concluded that 200 million people (including YOU) live in areas (like YOUR HOUSE) where the cancer risk from exposure to these substances is higher than what the EPA considers a minimum level of concern. The assessment, based on 1996 data, found that automobile and truck emissions are a major cause of exposure to the chemicals, with power plants and other industrial sources also involved. (Also grass, oxygen, dust, your pillowcase, and kissing.) The study, described as a "snapshot" of health risks from air toxins, found that the chemicals can be expected over a lifetime of exposure to cause 10 additional cancers (including YOURS) for every 1 million people.

SUNDAY, JUNE 2 A fire broke out and was quelled today at Buckingham Palace. Oh relax, THE QUEEN IS FINE. Don't panic. She and Prince Philip were off chiding schoolchildren or something. This did not prevent the world's media from reporting live from the scene, as British correspondents with bad teeth sputtered on about the unfolding tragedy. This was all especially upsetting as the Queen's Golden Jubilee is just getting underway and half of Briton is hoping for a glimpse of Elton John at one of the ceremonies. (Plus, no one wants a repeat of the Cardboard Jubilee disaster.) Sir John, as well as several other rock stars--who were rehearsing for a star-studded pop music Jubilee spectacular--were evacuated from the palace when the fire broke out. The blaze started in a roof loft of the palace's West Terrace. The cause is still unknown, though former Beach Boy Brian Wilson was seen smoking a joint in the area.

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