TUESDAY, JUNE 4 More trouble for R&B crooner R. Kelly! For those who haven't been keeping up with the singer's career, he's the guy who sings "I Believe I Can Fly," "Bump n' Grind," and the sensitive love ballad "Feelin' On Yo Booty." He's also fairly well known for marrying the late Aaliyah when she was only 15 years old, and as of today, was arrested on 21 counts of child pornography. A grand jury in Chicago reached this decision after viewing a videotape which has been circulating on the internet entitled R. Kelly Triple-X; a homemade affair, which reportedly shows Kelly engaging in coitus with several women, including one who was allegedly 14 years old. One of the women on the tape also filed an invasion of privacy lawsuit against the singer today, claiming she was secretly taped without her consent. For those keeping score, Kelly has already settled two out-of-court lawsuits involving underage girls and is currently fighting a claim from a 16-year-old who says she was seduced by the singer, impregnated, and forced to get an abortion. If convicted of the sex-tape crimes, Kelly faces 15 years in prison, a fine of up to $100,000, and would have to register as a sex offender--which, last time we checked, isn't much of a turn-on, even for 14-year-olds.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 5 In the continuing attempt to rescue popularity points and give Tom Ridge something to do, the Bush Administration revealed their plan today to create the Department of Homeland Security. Now many of you may be asking, "Didn't we already have a Department of Homeland Security?" We did, but that was just an empty refrigerator box out in Dick Cheney's backyard. The new and improved DHS will receive 169,000 employees, a budget of $37.4 billion, and would be in charge of terrorist information analysis, protecting U.S. borders, and preparing the country for "a full range of terrorist threats." (In other words, the job the CIA and FBI were supposed to be doing.) Officials did not state whether current Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge would keep his current position, which consists of constructing color-coded warning systems and wandering around the White House carrying a folder.
THURSDAY, JUNE 6 Wahhhh! Two pieces of bad news today: Dee Dee Ramone, a member of the seminal punk band the Ramones, was found dead in his home, apparently the victim of a drug overdose. Dee Dee (whose real name was Douglas Glenn Colvin) was discovered by his wife, and police claim to have found drug paraphernalia--including a syringe--on the premises. Along with former bandmate Joey Ramone (who died of lymphoma just over a year ago) Dee Dee wrote some of the most rousing and hilarious songs of the genre including "I Wanna Be Sedated," "Teenage Lobotomy," and "Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue." Meanwhile! The artist formerly known as J. LO--apparently she doesn't like to be called that anymore--has also grown tired of hubby number two and is reportedly filing for divorce. Less than nine months after holy vows were exchanged between herself and choreographer Cris Judd, Jennifer Lopez is attempting to flee the scene of the crime. And while Lopez' publicists are remaining mum as expected, Cindy Adams, gossip hound of the New York Post, not only says the rumors are true, but asserts the split was in large part caused by--hold on to your hats, folks--former J. LO beau Sean "P. Diddy" Combs! Adams writes, "He has always been in love with her. She has always been in need of him." Oh, GAG! And we've always been in need of a lobotomy--but that doesn't mean we're going to rush out to get one!
FRIDAY, JUNE 7 Only days after President Bush's announcement of his plans to create a Department of Homeland Security, the Administration has found itself having to mollify a petulant and wounded FBI. Not included in the proposed domestic security department, the FBI was left wondering where the bureau would fit into the new order. "What do they think we are, an incompetent cold war relic with traitors running amok in our midst?" asked one angry bureau official who asked not to be named. Bush Chief of Staff Andrew Card explained in a press conference today, that the FBI was NOT going to be replaced by the homeland security department. Though many of the bureau's agents will be reassigned to act as tour guides for the nation's monuments.
SATURDAY, JUNE 8 The New York Times reported today that American WWII Veterans, not known for their self-deprecating sensibilities, are protesting a proposal to build a commercial mussel bed on the D-Day landing beaches in Normandy. The French fishermen, not known for their conciliatory sensitivities, are planning on branding the mussels "Omaha Beach" mussels, after the famous landing site where Tom Hanks almost died. Word is RJ Reynolds, owner of Nabisco, is considering taking the fishermen to court, claiming that the fishermen based their idea on Nabisco's line of flavored "Chernobyl bottled water," due out in August.
SUNDAY, JUNE 9 Everyone loves "Chilean sea bass." It's trendy. It's exotic. It doesn't come in a bun at Wendy's. Ever since our great aunt Hildie took us to dine on Chilean sea bass finger sandwiches at the Rainbow Room as a child, we rarely order anything else when dining at fabulous, exclusive bistros. Well, we've been duped again. It turns out that Chilean sea bass is actually PATAGONIAN TOOTHFISH, which sounds considerably sillier and far less appetizing. Now AUSTRALIA wants to save the Patagonian Toothfish, thereby limiting the Chilean sea bass available for our favorite Uncle Ben's Chilean Sea Bass Sloppy Joe's in a Minute mix and Ben & Jerry's Chilean Sea Bass sorbet. (If only they had been as environmentally minded about the aborigines.) Australia will ask the fall meeting of the 153-member United Nations Convention for the Internationals Trade in Endangered Species (UNCITES) to list the Patagonian Toothfish as a poaching no-no. The Australians then plan to market the fish themselves under the name "Chocolate."