TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 3
According to The Associated Press, a Canadian parliamentary committee has, in a blatant attempt to promote tourism, called for legalizing the adult use of marijuana. The 600-page report concludes that marijuana is not a "gateway" drug and does not necessarily lead to the use of cocaine or heroin. In fact, it more often leads to the use of sports video games, cheesy snacks, and hemp knapsacks, which can prove just as dangerous. Indeed, marijuana can often be a great asset in the pursuit of dull, repetitive tasks like house painting, writing legislation, and engaging in filibusters. Anyway, we are pro any sort of cannabis leniency. Anything to stop all those Canadian teenagers from smoking maple leaves. (We know it tastes good, kids, but trust us, it can lead to smoking poison oak.)
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4
The catfight over who should be Miss North Carolina escalated today, as a judge ruled that the woman who stepped down because of topless photos should keep her crown, while the runner-up filed suit to be declared the winner. Like EVERYONE doesn't have a few topless photos in their past. Rebekah Revels (who should have been disqualified because of her name alone) claims that she was forced to step down after her creepy former boyfriend emailed officials innocent photographs of her "changing clothes." Like EVERYONE hasn't had creepy boyfriends send prospective employers innocent topless photographs. Misty Dawn Clymer--the scheming runner-up with the porn star name--is confident that she will unseat the harlot Rebekah, and represent North Carolina at the Atlantic City pageant, in the most chaste, virtuous manner possible. We give it three weeks tops before they've both signed deals with Playboy.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 5
President Bush proclaimed today that September 11th will be called "Patriot Day." He ordered federal facilities to fly the American flag at half-staff on September 11th, and urged Americans to lower their own flags, as well as to observe a moment of silence beginning at 8:46 a.m. Eastern/ Standard time, the time the first plane struck one of the World Trade Center towers. The West Coast will have a distinct advantage in this endeavor, being as that at 5:46 a.m., most of us are asleep. Should we set our alarm clocks, wake up, lie in bed silently for one minute, and then go back to sleep, or does the quiet sleeping cover it? Won't people confuse "Patriot Day" with "Patriots' Day," celebrated each April in Massachusetts and Maine to honor the battles and skirmishes that began our fight for independence? Does the President not care if he confuses the Bostonians, because they are all Democrats? Is he TRYING to confuse them? Could he not come up with anything better, like "CNN Day" or "Let's Roll Day" or "This Might Be A Good Day Not To Fly Day"? This is going to be one of those holidays with parades, isn't it?
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 6
American Idol Kelly Clarkson showed some common sense today, when she waffled publicly about the appropriateness of plans for her to sing the national anthem at the September 11th "Patriot Day" commemoration at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington. "I think maybe it's a bad idea," Ms. Clarkson said. "I'm not going to do it," she added. To think, we had almost written off Kelly as just another Star Search flash in the pan, without the clout or personality to have a career-altering opinion. (How quickly we turn against fame, no?) Could Kelly be an ACTUAL human being? Tom Ennis, who runs 19 Management, one of the producers of the show, says "No!" He assured The New York Times that Kelly would sing the anthem on "Patriot Day," though he promised to "allay Ms. Clarkson's concerns." Note to Kelly: Congrats on winning, but you are SO fucked!
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 7
The Associated Press reported today that a man has awoken from a seven-year coma. Peter Sana slipped into a coma in March 1995, after contracting meningitis, an inflammation of a membrane that encloses the brain and spinal cord that causes really really gnarly headaches. He has been in a Honolulu nursing home ever since. Sana, who has missed almost the entire run of Friends, the pashmina trend, the Monica Lewinsky scandal, the outcome of the O.J. trial, and the events of September 11th, 2001, is being slowly reintroduced to society. Here's a quick rundown, Peter (in no particular order): Extremists bombed a federal building in Oklahoma City, killing 168 people. Los Angeles lost both its football teams. O.J. Simpson was acquitted. The principals in the Bosnian War signed a peace accord in Dayton, Ohio. Yitzhak Rabin was assassinated. Britney Spears, 'N Sync, the Spice Girls, and Backstreet Boys spearheaded a boom in teen-oriented pop. Mad Cow disease invaded Britain. The Hale-Bopp comet flew by; a California cult missed it. Britain had to give Hong Kong back. Princess Diana died in a car crash. Some scientists cloned a sheep. Tiger Woods won a lot of golf events. The Unabomber was arrested. India and Pakistan tested nuclear weapons. Titanic was the most successful movie ever. President Clinton was impeached (long story). Some scientists made a lot of people happy when they invented Viagra. Europe adopted the Euro. We were mad about Y2K. JFK Jr. died in a plane crash. A bunch of teenagers started shooting each other at schools. All the ladies bought boots. There were some voting discrepancies in Florida. George Bush Jr. (REALLY!) was elected President of the United States. Some people killed a lot of other people, and we went to war on terror.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 8
We know you're just DYING for an update, so we are pleased to relay that Rebekah Revels, the topless Miss North Carolina, will join 51 other Miss America contestants--including her evil nemesis Misty Dawn Clymer--in pre-Miss America activities, until the courts decide which of the two should be tiara-less. Meanwhile, Revels, 24, smiled patiently for photographers, as she adorned her crushingly square, plum pantsuit with a $19,200 pearl-and-diamond necklace at Tiffany's on Saturday at the morning photo opportunity. Neither she nor Misty Dawn, also 24, spoke to reporters. The two women mingled with other contestants and their chaperones, but did not make a joint appearance. The current Miss America, Oregon's own Katie Harman, blamed the situation on Revels' creepy ex-boyfriend. Attention ex-boyfriends of Katie Harman: the Portland Mercury will give you CASH MONEY for any topless pix of Miss America. We will not distribute them. We PROMISE. No one will EVER know. We will keep them in a safe under the desk of Wm. Steven Humphrey in his autographed Beretta lunchbox. It's deep background research. On the QT. Top secret. Trust us.
There are NO topless photos of us out there. We don't have any ex-boyfriends. REALLY. firstname.lastname@example.org