THURSDAY, JUNE 6 The artist formerly known as J.LO--apparently she doesn't like to be called that anymore--has also grown tired of hubby number two and is reportedly filing for divorce. Less than nine months after holy vows were exchanged between herself and choreographer Cris Judd, Jennifer Lopez is attempting to flee the scene of the crime. And while Lopez' publicists are remaining mum as expected, Cindy Adams, gossip hound of the New York Post not only says the rumors are true, but asserts the split was in large part caused by--hold on to your hats, folks--former J.LO beau Sean "P. Diddy" Combs! Adams writes, "He has always been in love with her. She has always been in need of him." Oh, GAG! And we've always been in need of a lobotomy--but that doesn't mean we're going to rush out to get one!
MONDAY, JUNE 10 Here it comes! More juicy J.LO gossip! Sources close to Ms. LO (and choreographer husband Cris Judd) have confirmed the twosome are splitsville OR ARE THEY? The New York Post now reports that while the two are definitely divorcing, they still "live under the same roof and spend every moment together." According to an unnamed source, "Jennifer wants it both ways. She wants a man at home to cuddle, and she also wants to be able to go out when she feels like it." No problem there right, girls? Especially after she's been witnessed having her cake and eating it too--two slices of beefcake, that is! Reportedly, slice number one was hunky Ben Affleck (her costar in the upcoming films Gigli and Jersey Girl), and after digesting him, she's now allegedly moved on to her second slice, the handsome limey co-star of Maid in Manhattan, Ralph Fiennes. And where is former beau Sean "P. Diddy" Combs during all this brou-ha-ha? Sources close to the Diddy insinuate that when it comes to being dumped, he certainly wouldn't mind returning the favor. "[Jennifer] will come back to Puffy--she always does," the snitch noted. "But they are definitely not together now, and why should they be? She trashed him when she got married. He's not going to forget that." Tune in next week for the next exciting installment of As the Booty Turns!
MONDAY, JUNE 17 Previously on As the Booty Turns Jennifer Lopez threatens to divorce choreographer hubby Cris Judd, but keeps him around the house as a kept boy. Meanwhile, she's canoodling with the likes of Ben Affleck and Ralph Fiennes a fact that has not gone unnoticed by former beau Sean "H.R. Puff 'N' Diddy" Combs. Now let's join this week's As the Booty Turns, already in progress. Been looking for J.LO? Well, stop searching, because she's been holed up in her L.A. home with Jersey Girl co-star Ben Affleck all weekend long! And if former lover Ralph Fiennes is feeling like last season's Steve Maddens, then we can only imagine the sorrow of cuckolded hubby Cris Judd. According to the New York Post, the former teetotaler has hit the bottle, and is desperately checking his two-way pager for any communiqué from the missing LO. He's also been seen taking solace at his parent's home in Florida, helping out at mama's Chinese restaurant, Eggrolls R Us (we are not kidding and it gets worse). Cris was also born with a clubfoot and must bear the daily sight of his childhood corrective footwear, which adorns the wall of the family business. Oh, how the mighty continue to fall, as we shall see in next week's episode of As the Booty Turns.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 17 The Hamptons. A funny, sunny getaway for the rich and famous to hobnob, cavort, and canoodle; but according to the New York Post, J.LO's invited beaus were no-shows! Sneaky-peeky spies reveal that she "hoped Ben Affleck would join her," but alas, he was whisked away to Japan. And since Ralph Fiennes was similarly indisposed, the lonely LO even called "Puff the Magic Diddy" to hang out with her on the beach--and his response? No dice, Miss Slice-of-Nice! According to a Combs chum, "Jennifer has been calling Puffy non-stop. It's amazing. But believe me, he's not going back to her." But wait--while Jennifer stomps around in a huff, settling for a bag of microwave popcorn to keep her company who is that skulking around her old Soho apartment? Could it be scorned ex-hubby Cris Judd? Find out in the next exciting episode of As the Booty Turns!
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 Reports continue to pour in regarding the heavy-duty canoodling between Affleck and LO, and apparently, at least one of their canoodles involved the exchange of fluids! Rumor has it that J.LO has a little LO in the oven! According to London's Daily Star, Lopez is TWO MONTHS PREGNANT thanks to Ben Affleck's strong swimming spermatozoa! [This was later revealed to be untrue.--ed] A friend of the couple says, "They can't believe it's happened so soon after she hooked up with Ben. He must be really fertile!" Yeah, that could be it another explanation might be they weren't using BIRTH CONTROL. One person not fooled by the speed in which Lopez was allegedly impregnated is the father of ex-hubby Cris Judd, who snitched to the National Enquirer that Lopez was happily boning Affleck while still tied to the holy bonds of matrimony. Papa Larry Judd says that during the filming of Gigli with Affleck, "She was leaving the house at 5 am, and wouldn't return until after 10 pmShe did not conduct herself as a married woman." He then added, "In May she told Oprah Winfrey how happy she was being married to Cris. It was all a lie to protect her public image!" Well, if this is true, J.LO should have no further worries; we've known for awhile that she's had more meat inside her than a butcher shop.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 21 Jennifer "J.LO" Lopez was spotted "raunching it up" today with b-friend Ben Affleck on a yacht loaned to them by Motley Crue singer Vince Neil. While we would certainly never set foot on Neil's boat without the benefit of a HAZ-MAT suit, the strumpety Ms. LO was seen strutting around topless, giving her man a "sexy lapdance," and (brace yourself) sucking on Ben Affleck's toes! Brrrrrrr!! Gack! Gack!
MONDAY, OCTOBER 28 According to Us Weekly, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have been caught "raunching it up" AGAIN--this time while shooting a video for her single "Jenny from the Block." The video was being shot in LA's Barefoot Bar & Grill, where a bridal shower was taking place nearby. Apparently, one of the shower's guests videotaped J.LO grabbing her hunky beau, shoving her hand down his pants and giving his tube a healthy squeeze. Affleck apologized to the bride's mom for Ms. LO's untoward behavior, but did not comment on whether "Jenny from the Block" disinfected her hands afterwards with industrial-strength cleanser.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11 It's official: J.LO is about be a blushing bride--for the third time. LO announced on tonight's ABC's Primetime: Special Edition that she would be marrying Ben "Is my head shaped like a sucker?" Affleck. Within minutes of the announcement, Mercury staffers arranged an illegal betting pool to determine how long they thought the marriage would last. Here's what some of our co-workers think: Katie--nine months. Justin--eight months. Julianne--five months. Nicolle--12 months. Michael--eight months, two weeks. Phil--three years plus ("It's the real thing!"). Aaron--0 days. As for ourselves, well we think these two lovebirds can look forward to many, many years of toe sucking, tube grabbing, and raunchy canoodling in the most inappropriate places. Hey, what can we say? We love love.