TUESDAY, DECEMBER 31
Though the Bush administration promised a group of terrorists would muck up tonight's annual Times Square New Year's Rockin' Eve, the evil-doers apparently had other plans perhaps spending a relatively quiet evening with some friends who rented a karaoke machine. But never mind that, because the really big news is that President Bush has a compassionate robotic replica that talks to members of the press during the holidays! The replicant, who bears an uncanny likeness to Bush, spoke with reporters near his Texas ranch about the possibility of war with Iraq and the nuclear challenge from North Korea. "We hope to resolve all the situations in a peaceful way," the President said to the stunned crowd. "And so that's my commitment, to try to do so peacefully." Naturally, this statement immediately roused suspicions as it runs counter to Bush's war-like actions, including building up troops in the Gulf region, and starving North Koreans to death with an endless series of embargos. However, the Bush replicant blew his cover with his next quote: "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beamsglitter in the dark near Tanhauser Gate. All those moments will be lostin time. Like tearsin rain. Time to die." The replicant then collapsed. Later on in the evening, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer talked about the sudden expiration of the Bush replicant. "It's too bad he didn't live," Fleisher noted. "But then again who does?"
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1
Good morning. We hope last night's festivities didn't create too much strain upon your psyche, because we have some unsettling news to reveal to Americans on this, the first day of 2003. YOU ARE FAT AND DRUNK. Hey, don't take our word for it. According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control based on a survey with 200,000 American adults, more than one in five people can be classified as obese (up six percent from 2001), and more than one in four engage in bouts of binge drinking (up 35 percent from 1995). By the way, "binge drinking" is classified as what you and our hubby Kip did last night: "having five or more drinks at one sitting with the goal of getting drunk." The good news? While Europeans are generally slimmer and drink more moderately than Americans, "they are catching up fast" and will be just as fat and drunk as we are within 10 years. How is that good news? Well at least we aren't ugly.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 2
There are some pieces of gossip that are just too strange and wonderful to be believed. This was the quandary facing the New York Post, who refused to accept a certain juicy rumor until it was confirmed by their own eyes. Happily, today was that day, for the Post received photographic proof that Jennifer Lopez had a paid "nipple tweaker" on the set of her video "Jenny from the Block." In this cinematic masterpiece, Lopez is seen writhing around wearing a mesh top intended to accentuate her "headlights" which have been switched to "high beams." And while the Post was aware of rumors that Lopez had someone on staff to make sure her soldiers were standing at attention, they didn't believe it until they received an actual photo of a male staff member "tuning the dial" on Lopez' "radio" between takes. We would love to congratulate the Post on what surely qualifies as "The Most Exciting Story of 2003," but since the newspaper refused to show their readers the photo in question, we are forced to give it as much credence as those weird alien lovers who claim to have hatched a clone. Until we see the proof for ourselves, we are standing behind the statement: "Jennifer Lopez tweaks her own nipples."
FRIDAY, JANUARY 3
The New York Times reported today that the Bush administration is exhibiting a penchant for secrecy aimed at keeping historians (and humor columnists) in the dark. This goes beyond Mr. Cheney's determination to keep records of his energy task force secret and Mr. Ashcroft's virtual disembowelment of the Freedom of Information Act. Get this: In the year that ended on September 30, 2001, most of which came during the Bush presidency, 260,978 documents were classified, up 18 percent from the year before. Mr. Cheney says that the Bush policies have sought to restore the proper powers of the executive branch. Though sources tell us that he is just covering up for President Bush, an origami hobbyist who has a habit of meticulously folding documents left on his desk into swans, which are then classified so that they can be shellacked and displayed in the Lincoln Bedroom. We hear that the dancing crane he made out of Cheney's tax return is particularly artful.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 4
Clonaid, the company that claims to have produced the first human clone, announced today that it has produced a second one--a girl born to a Dutch lesbian couple. (David Crosby must not have been available.) Neither baby has been confirmed to be a clone by genetic testing, and scientists who are not in cults are skeptical of the company's claims. A Cloneaid spokes-cultist said she expects the second tot will undergo genetic testing to show it is a clone, with DNA identical to that of its mother. If the child is a clone, she will be the youngest identified lesbian on record, after Chastity Bono. The baby's name had not been revealed. In television interviews, Brigitte Boisselier, Clonaid's chief executive, top scientist, and hair model, has said the parents of the second baby want to remain anonymous--though are clearly comfortable with being duplicated.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 5
President Bush and his henchmen want YOU to get married. They know you are living in SIN, and you are SMITING GOD and YOUR MOTHER, and they will do what it takes to force you to contractually commit in the eyes of the Lord above. According to the Associated Press, the government has gone so far as to divert taxpayer money from its child support programs to RELIGIOUS and nonprofit organizations so they can bully YOU into getting hitched. Unless you are gay, in which case the opposite applies. (Grab yer bibles, kids, this be the faith-based initiative hellfire.) The government has promoted heterosexual marriage in the past, primarily through intense social pressure and the 1996 welfare overhaul, but it has faced restrictions in giving money to religious organizations to advance that same goal. (Gee, must have been that pesky separation between church and state, huh?) Congratulations, Bushes! Your plan to make us all into Baptists is working like a charm. What does one wear to a dirty creek baptism?