MONDAY, JANUARY 13
What's the new "in" crime sweeping the celebrity world? Child porn! First it was rocker Gary Glitter who was picked up after a computer repair person allegedly discovered pics of underage shenanigans on his home PC. Next came Paul "Pee-wee Herman" Reubens, who was charged with being in possession of 100-year-old pornographic pictures as well as the infamous Rob Lowe sex tape. [This classic of modern cinema depicts Lowe banging a 16-year-old during the 1988 Democratic National Convention--but perhaps he was just preparing for a future role by exploring her "West Wing."] This was immediately followed by the arrest of actor Jeffrey Jones (the beleaguered principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off) who was suspected of paying a 14-year-old to pose for sexually explicit photos--ick. And today, yet another rocker has found himself accused of playing pubescent peek-a-boo: the Who's Pete Townshend. The 57-year-old was taken into custody to answer questions about allegedly paying to enter a kiddie porn website. In answer to the rumors, Townsend issued a statement confessing he had used his credit card to enter such a site "maybe three or four times in all," but only because he was doing research for a book about his childhood. He claims the book includes a section on him being molested by his grandmother. He's expected to answer further inquiries later this month, which will probably include the question, "Once again: Is it or is it not better to die before one gets old?"
TUESDAY, JANUARY 14
Can someone please fetch the Presidential teething ring? The easily irritable President Bush must be feeling the pressure of his tumbling approval rating (it's currently at 58%--the lowest since the 9/11 attacks) because and we're sorry for saying this he is just getting downright snippy! "I'm sick and tired of games and deception," Bush huffed today in another of his increasingly tedious harangues about Iraq. "I haven't seen any evidence that he has disarmed. Time is running out on Saddam Hussein!" And while thousands are taking to the streets to protest the President's actions--has anyone really sat down to talk with him about his anger management issues? The medical website athealth.com succinctly offers suggestions to help young children (in this case, Bush) deal with his feelings of anger. For example, doctors agree there are three components to anger: emotional (as in a conflict over possessions; in Bush's case--oil), expression (how the child expresses his feelings; in Bush's case--sulking, making threats, sending troops to the Persian Gulf), and understanding (the result of anger; inadvertently causing a nuclear holocaust). So what can be done to help this situation? In the best of worlds, a compassionate teacher or adult could sit down with Bush and help him label his feelings of anger in a safe emotional climate. Then Bush can be encouraged to talk about anger-arousing interactions with Saddam Hussein himself. So instead of yelling, "I'm sick and tired of games and deception," perhaps Bush could gently approach Saddam and say, "I have a feeling right now, and that feeling is hurt." Another way of improving this situation is getting Dick Cheney as far away as humanly possible.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15
Need more proof that Justin Timberlake is intent on mending his shattered relationship with Britney Spears? According to the New York Post, Justin was happily seen smooching the Brit--even after she had puked her guts out. The scene was the afterparty for the American Music Awards at Joseph's Café in Hollywood. A ladies room spy overheard the popstress hurling up chunks in an accompanying stall, "and then she left the bathroom, where Justin was waiting outside. They were holding hands and kissing." EWWWW! But we guess if that's not love, what is? So it would seem everything is back to normal in Mouseketeer-land. OR IS IT? Because Justin isn't the only one running around L.A. proclaiming endless love for Britney. It seems that Limp Bizkit dough-boy Fred Durst is also staking claims on this get-around-gal. After numerous sitings of the two around L.A., Durst wrote on the band's website, "Anybody who has a problem with my feelings for Britney should just chill Everything happens for a reason and I believe I have never felt this way, so there." Okay so this lardy wash-up has got to be joking, right? If not EWWW!
THURSDAY, JANUARY 16
After weeks of searching, U.N. weapons inspectors in Iraq finally found something to appease the ever-growing temper of President Bush: 11 actual chemical warheads! The only problem? There were no chemicals in them. And in actuality they were completely empty. And they were old. Like from the '80s. But they were in "excellent condition"! Even though they were locked away in crates and covered with dust. But they were in fact, rockets! And so what if they only have a range of 11 miles at best. If these rockets had engines, and explosives, and chemicals stuffed inside of them we would hate to think of the damage these babies could do to maybe, a small town 11 miles outside of Baghdad. So. What are we waiting around for? Whoo-hoo! LET'S GO TO WAR!
FRIDAY, JANUARY 17
Finally a political cause with some claws in it. According to the Associated Press, West Hollywood may ban the declawing of cats. The ban is supported by the actress Bea Arthur, Felix-the-cat, and several less famous littermates of the cat who played the cat in The Cat From Outer Space. If the City Council approves the ban as expected, West Hollywood would become the first city in the nation to ban declawing, and would join 13 European nations that have outlawed the procedure condemned by many as inhumane and sort of mean-spirited. Feline Botox injections, feline Prozac, and 18-hour-days on the sets will still be permitted.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 18
You think your boyfriend is weird about HIS mother? Just because he calls her everyday, makes you wear her old Maidenform, and cries "Mama!" when he orgasms? The President of Turkmenistan makes your boyfriend look almost normal. He's already renamed the month of April after his mama. Today the Turkmenistan National Assembly passed a resolution declaring 2003 "The Year of the President's Mother." We can only imagine how one would go about celebrating this sort of thing, but if it's anything like what the year of our mother would look like, it would involve parades of small dogs, a Guiding Light marathon, Pucci commemorative T-shirts, and plenty of Sanka.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 19
SPOILER ALERT. There is no such thing as a jack-o-lope. It turns out that the half bunny/half antelope was invented by Douglas Herrick, who, The New York Times reported today, happens to be recently dead. It all started back in 1932 when Herrick and his brother Ralph had just returned from hunting. According to Ralph: "We just throwed the dead jack rabbit in the shop when we come in and it slid on the floor right up against a pair of deer horns we had in there. It looked like that rabbit had horns on it." His brother knew a good thing when he saw it. "Let's mount that thing!" Douglas Herrick suggested. They did. Tens of thousands of them. (Let's pause for a moment so you can THANK CHRIST that you did not grow up in a family that ran a taxidermy shop.) The jack rabbits of Wyoming still talk about those days before the Great Genocide. The bunny slaughter continues to this day. Entire lines of jack rabbits, caught, gutted, stuffed, glued to antlers and sold at Wall Drug to tourists from Milwaukee. The rabbits will come for you next, Ralph. Just like they came for Douglas.
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