TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 4
According to a report in The Washington Post, President Bush not only knows what computers are, but he's actually willing to use them against foreign countries he doesn't like. The newspaper recently discovered that Bush has signed an order to learn how the U.S. can use cyber-warfare to screw around with enemy computer systems. And though senior White House officials deny that any cyber-attacks have taken place, the Pentagon has been busier than a hive of programming bees developing what sci-fi geeks like to call "cyber weapons." But what would these "weapons" actually do? Military bigwigs imagine an army of tech-savvy dorks invading foreign networks to knock out radar, electrical and phone services--that is, when they're not exchanging "Magic: The Gathering" cards or arguing over who's hotter, Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager, or T'Pol from Enterprise. Another tactic would be to "annoy the enemy to death," by sending them an email every eight minutes from a Nigerian banker who wants to share his wealth or perhaps advertisements for penis enlargement.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 5
In a last-ditch effort to convince the world the Bush Administration isn't as full of crap as everyone seems to think, Secretary of State Colin Powell spoke before the U.N. Security Council today. In his impassioned speech, he accused Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein of failing to disarm, and set about to prove it by showing satellite photos, intelligence reports, and intercepted phone conversations. Powell claimed Iraq has been hiding biological warheads underneath palm trees, and played snippets of phone conversations in which military officers allegedly discuss hiding prohibited vehicles from inspectors. The Secretary also cited a British intelligence report that "describes in exquisite detail Iraqi deception activities." Unfortunately, according to The Nation, this study was debunked by journalists who learned the report was actually cribbed from several outdated articles. In fact, one of the articles was written not by an expert in Baghdad, but by a post-graduate student in Monterey, California who was using 12-year-old information to finish a thesis project. While this news may be disappointing to those who believe in the Administration's God-given right to go to war, there's still someone who was utterly convinced by Powell's speech: Rickey Medlocke, the guitarist from Lynyrd Skynyrd! Though Medlocke previously had some doubts about picking a war with Iraq, he told music magazine Launch that after hearing Powell, he's now ready to back the Administration. "Now I think we've got all the proof we need," Medlocke said. "Of course, the Iraqis are saying, 'Oh, Powell's lying,' but you know what? I think that Colin Powell is probably the most trustworthy guy in there." Medlocke, a Florida native, went on to issue a cryptic warning to Saddam Hussein: "Now that we have irrefutable proof, my whole quotation is, 'Meet my mule Monday morning, motherfucker!'" The Defense Department has set up a special commission to try and decipher exactly what Medlocke meant by that.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 6
A grown man sleeping with children. According to self-proclaimed King of Pop, Michael Jackson, that's not creepy! It's "charming." Today 27.1 million Americans squirmed uncomfortably on their couches while viewing a Primetime Live presentation of the British documentary, Living with Michael Jackson. Director Martin Bashir followed Jackson around for eight months to make a film that unsurprisingly alleges that "Jacko" is more "wacko" than anyone thought. Among the revelations: Immediately after the birth of his daughter Paris, Jackson snatched up the infant and rushed her home--still covered in placenta. In what must have made his publicist think he was experiencing a very, very bad dream, Jackson confessed to sharing his bed "with many children." Sinking his foot deeper into his surgically altered mouth, he said, "Why can't you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone." That someone included the sure-to-be-eternally embarrassed Macaulay Culkin and brother Kieren Culkin. But these careers are not the only ones facing potential ruination! Jackson also claimed that child star Tatum O'Neal tried to rob him of his virginity. O'Neal has denied the accusation, adding, "While I have a great deal of respect for Michael as an artist and a personEWWW! EWWW! EWWWWW!!"
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 7
After what Attorney General John Ashcroft deemed as "a heightened possibility of terrorist attacks," he announced an increase in the national color-coded threat level from yellow to orange. This confused many in the New York fashion community who still think of last year's "orange" as this year's "beige." Nevertheless, they took Ashcroft's advice to "go about your normal routine," spending most of their day shopping at Saks and making fun of the pink tutu Lara Flynn Boyle wore to the Golden Globes.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 8
As the nation creeps ever closer towards the grim specter of war, we should remember to take pause and reflect on the moments in life which make every day worth living--like Matthew Broderick stepping in dog poop! This week's issue of the Globe tabloid features glorious full-color pictures of the star of Ferris Bueller stepping out of his ritzy New York townhouse and into an impressive pile of dog feces. First the photos show Broderick recoiling from the poop, followed by an examination of the effects of said poop on his brown loafers. Then, after scraping the fecal remains on a nearby tree, he is finally seen returning to his penthouse where he (presumably) tracks the mess all over wife Sarah Jessica Parker's new rug. We now return you to the grim specter of a looming war, already in progress.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9
And the hits just keep on coming! According to website The Smoking Gun, actor Benjamin Curtis--best known for his portrayal as a stoned computer salesman in the "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" commercials--was arrested today on a marijuana possession charge. The 22-year-old was allegedly busted holding a "small bag of marijuana" while hanging out on Manhattan's Lower East side, and is currently being held until his arraignment in front of a judge tomorrow. So let us get this straightfirst, Courtney Love is accused of "air rage," Michael Jackson confesses to sharing his bed with children, and now, the "Dell Dude" is a potential pothead? Has this world gone topsy-turvy??