TUESDAY, MARCH 11
Today the U.S. Air Force set out to demonstrate the girth of their manhood by exploding the biggest non-nuclear bomb the world has ever seen. The 21,500 lb. explosive, called MOAB (or in a pathetic attempt to be clever, the "Mother of all Bombs") was dropped over a test range at Elgin Air Force Base in Florida. The bomb is designed to flatten caves, buildings, and troops for hundreds of yards--but more importantly, is supposed to make anyone in the Middle East make a boo-boo in their burqua. However, President Bush was apparently confused by the successful test, because he was spotted pointing at the cloud of dirt and debris, yelling, "See?? See?? I told you they had weapons of mass destruction!" Meanwhile If the actions of the House of Representatives are any indication, stupidity is contagious. Today Republican Reps. Bob Ney of Ohio and Walter Jones of North Carolina triumphantly ordered the House cafeterias to change the name of "french fries" to "freedom fries." This ridiculous leap of logic stems from the refusal of France to join in on the President's war plans, and was originally dreamed up by some inbred redneck restaurant owners who are blissfully unaware that "french fries" originated in Belgium. Besides, if the GOP is so concerned about names, why do they share a moniker with Iraq's infamous Republican Guard?
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12
In a shocking turn of events, 15-year-old Elizabeth Smart of Salt Lake City was returned to her parents and family after being taken from her home at knifepoint nine months ago. Police picked her up today wearing a wig, veil, and sunglasses, and allegedly in the company of "a fanatical street preacher" named Brian Mitchell. When first approached by the police, Elizabeth vehemently insisted her name was "Augustine," and refused to remove her sunglasses, claiming to have just underwent "eye surgery." Then in a moment that could have been stolen straight from a Scooby Doo cartoon, Elizabeth blurted out, "I know who you think I am. You guys think I'm that Elizabeth Smart girl who ran away." Ooopsy! Authorities believe the reason Elizabeth remained silent was because she had become a prisoner who eventually came to identify with and enjoy the company of her captors. This condition is known as "Stockholm Syndrome," or as it's more commonly referred to here in the states, "Being a Starbucks Employee."
THURSDAY, MARCH 13
And while we would never wish what happened to Elizabeth Smart on anyone, here's a happy story about a rotten little shit who got exactly what he deserved. According to a report from NBC.com, a tantrum-throwing toddler was recently ejected from a British Airways flight. While travelling with his grandparents, two-year-old Marcello Ferrand threw the mother of all hissy-fits when the flight attendants asked him to buckle his seat belt. The crybaby refused and began screaming at the top of his stupid little lungs, and hiding underneath the seat. And just to prove there is a god, the police were called and the toddler, along with the ineffectual grandparents, were tossed off the flight--unfortunately not while in mid-air. Meanwhile For some weird reason the McDonald's corporation is doing very poorly in the Middle East. According to the Al-Watan newspaper, the sale of U.S. food products are down a whopping 25 percent. So how is McDonald's courting their Arab customers? With their newest sandwich the McArabia! (We swear we're not kidding.) The sandwich is made with "Arab Sauce," lettuce, tomatoes, Arab chicken (imported from Malaysia), and Arab bread (imported from Britain). McDonald's has high hopes for their new product, and are considering changing the name of their "french fries" to "Corporate Western Devil Murderer fries."
FRIDAY, MARCH 14
The Dixie Chicks' Natalie Maines, who told a Brit audience earlier this week she was "ashamed" of President Bush, remembered today that rednecks buy her albums and apologized for her comment. "As a concerned American citizen, I apologize to President Bush because my remark was disrespectful," the singer said in a statement. "I feel that whoever holds that office should be treated with the utmost respect." The Dixie Chicks, who are from Texas, are representing all of America on a big European tour which has proven somewhat problematic now that Europeans HATE US. While in London, Maines told the audience, "Just so you know, we're ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas." (For the record, Bush was born in New Haven, Conneticut.) Angry phone calls flooded a Nashville radio station on Thursday, some calling for a boycott of the trio's music. Other high-minded folk attempted to burn Dixie Chick CDs, before they realized it is actually somewhat difficult to light a CD on fire. Don't you just really, really, really miss John Lennon?
SATURDAY, MARCH 15
Today the World Health Organization (WHO) warned that a highly contagious and deadly pneumonia-like illness of unknown cause is fast becoming a "worldwide health threat," and warned Americans to delay travel to several Southeast Asian countries as well as CANADA. In this rare "emergency travel advisory," the WHO said it has received more than 150 reports of what it called "Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome" in the past week alone. "Health officials around the world are taking this situation very seriously," Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson said Saturday. Before you go getting your Victoria's Secrets in a bunch, officials are pretty sure it's not bioterrorism. No cases have been identified in the United States, though yours truly has been feeling woozy (and hacking up green snot) for several days. Doctors do not know the cause of the illness, which has not responded to treatments for bacterial or viral infections. The potentially fatal illness has an incubation period of two to seven days, and is believed to be spread "person to person" (i.e.: Freedom kissing).
SUNDAY, MARCH 16
The Associated Press reported today that the genius creator of the long-running reality television series COPS fell 300 feet from an Oregon cliff into the Pacific Ocean and was missing. Paul Stojanovich, 47, and his fiancée Kim Srowel were hiking Saturday at Treasures Cove, a bluff overlooking the ocean, when he slipped while stopping to pose for a picture. Srowel called 911, and several police officers responded. Unfortunately, they left when they didn't see any cameras.